Four Loko To Lose its Loko and Ditch the Caffeine

Four Loko tat.jpg
This just in to the Four Loko desk: with four states having banned caffeinated alcohol and Sen. Chuck "You Name It, I'll Ban It" Schumer predicting a nationwide prohibition this week, Loko maker Phusion Projects announced late Tuesday that it will get rid of the caffeine, guarana and taurine in Four Loko and its ilk.

The cave-in came with a parting shot. Chris Hunter, Jeff Wright and Jaisen Freeman, Phusion's three co-founders, released a joint statement, saying:

"We have repeatedly contended--and still believe, as do many people throughout the country--that the combination of alcohol and caffeine is safe. If it were unsafe, popular drinks like rum and colas or Irish coffees that have been consumed safely and responsibly for years would face the same scrutiny that our products have recently faced."

A fair point. But rum-and-cokes only get island vacationers sickly wasted and Irish coffees are favorites of, well, the Irish, and they'll drink anything.

Either way, the difference between those beverages and Four Loko is that Four Loko gets cute, young (mostly white) college co-eds sick, and the other ones just get boring people sick.

It's like kidnapping and murder crimes in America. A poor minority kid gets hurt or killed in the ghetto and no one knows. But mess with little JonBenét Ramsey in the suburbs, and people still talk about that shit 14 years later.

Four Loko, you made nine college-age JonBenéts sick on Oct. 8, and now you've paid the price.

Meanwhile, we're left with a formerly caffeinated malt liquor beverage that now lacks the single redeeming quality that made up for its butt-nasty taste.

Thanks, government.

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