Barefoot Bandit Indicted on Five Federal Charges, Seattle Still Left With Lame-Ass Burglars

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Colton Harris-Moore, the infamous "Barefoot Bandit," knew how to do it. He stole private planes, sports cars, and boats. He broke into people's homes just to eat ice cream. When he finally got caught, he was in the freaking Bahamas. Unfortunately, since his capture in July and his indictment on five federal charges this Wednesday, Seattle's been left with a bunch of weak-ass burglars and thieves who, while certainly doing nothing honorable, are also not bringing a fraction of the art and romance that Camano Island's favorite bandito did.

Just yesterday Seattle Police arrested six suspected kid burglars that they say had been breaking into homes all over north Seattle. The juveniles were supposedly getting in by throwing rocks though windows and then stealing the usual assortment of laptops, cameras and electronics.

Boring.

If it were Harris-Moore breaking in, he'd have done so by chopping a hole through the door with the propeller of radio host Bob Rivers' prop plane. And he wouldn't have stolen a computer, he would have taken a bath in their master bathroom, then tuned up the Lexus in the garage and driven her south till the tires went bald.

But not before making sure the pets were fed and dishes were done.

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The Barefoot Bandit would have smoked way more cigars than this
Also yesterday, King County Sheriff's Deputies announced that they had opened a storage locker that they say was used by another group of serial burglars. In it they found jewelry, guns, bikes and one White House-themed cigar humidor.

First off, the Barefoot bandit doesn't do "secret storage lockers." Harris-Moore was a strictly use-and-discard kind of guy. So while a White House humidor would have been mildly interesting to him, he'd have likely just grabbed a couple cigars from it and hit the road.

Guns? Not likely. Jewelry? Nope. Bikes? Sure, but only so he could ride to a richer part of town where he could find a classier means of transportation.

Finally, there's 44-year-old Moises Madrid the serial burglar who had made a career out of both breaking into University of Washington frat houses and getting caught at it. He got tackled by a couple Pi Kappa Phi bros last week when he tried to sneak in and take some more laptops.

Harris-Moore would have never set foot near a frat house. College in general would have been repulsive to him. He may have broken into the dean's office and stole his gold-tipped fountain pen, or maybe into the engineering lab and taken the human powered submarine out for a spin.

But frat boys' laptops? Please.

The point of all this isn't that anyone should steal anything from anyone. They shouldn't.

But if people are going to burglarize, they should at least make it a little more sexy than rocks through windows and jewelry in storage lockers.

 
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