Today in Sex: "I Wanna Duck You"

Today, Techcrunch reported that the US Patent and Trademark Office approved an Apple patent which "prevents users from sending or receiving 'objectionable' text messages." Meaning, parents will be able to snap some app on their kid's iPhone that'll keep them from sexting their randy little friends. Yeah, good luck with that.

First of all, the iPhone's prudish auto-correct already makes it difficult for pottymouths to get their point across. I don't even sext, but I can't even count how many times I've had to retype "hell" because Apple changed it to "he'll." I guess once you install this, it'll start changing "fuck" to "duck" and "labia" to "mabia?" "Rock hard cock" to "Dock lard pock?" What's the point? It's not like kids aren't smart enough to figure out a way to get around the filter—most likely before their parents have even figured out all the settings.

Some things remain unclear, what of the best (and potentially filthiest) new feature of the iPhone 4—FaceTime? Will this app be able to decode digital wank seshes? Close-up titty smushes? Pressed hams?

According to the patent, parents will be able to customize the filter.

The parental control application evaluates whether or not the communication contains approved text based on, for example, objective ratings criteria or a user's age or grade level, and, if unauthorized, prevents such text from being included in the text-based communication.

So along with a later curfew, you'll be able to allow your kids a little more scandalous language with each passing birthday. And instead of grounding them when they go astray, parents will be able to take away terms like "makeout" or "fingerbang."

Remember kids—sexting is a privilege, not a right.

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