Finally, Proof That Portland Hates America

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As a Seattle resident and full-blooded patriot, you've always had your doubts about the people down in Portland. They sell food from carts parked on the street. They travel in packs in government-subsidized motor-coaches. It's all just a little too.. French. Well I'm sorry to tell you this, you upstanding defender of liberty you, but all of your regionally-specific, xenophobic fears have been justified. Because Portland just did the most un-American thing you can possibly do: It traded baseball for soccer.

That's right, last night the city's Triple-A affiliate played its last game in downtown Portland (pictured at right). The Beavers were bumped from their home because Major League Soccer, which next year will welcome the Timbers into its ranks, wanted a futbol-only stadium.

Some of you may be thinking, "What's so un-American about soccer? Seattle has a soccer team too." To which I'd say, "Quit undermining my thesis here. What are you, one of those commies who eats Nutella?"

Yes, Seattle has a soccer team too. But in order to get the Sounders we didn't have to give up the Mariners, no matter how much we might have wanted to.

Sources say that, following the successful purging of America's national past-time, Portland authorities are considering a provision that would require all bakeries to abandon apple pie in favor of streusel, and are investigating the potential of a revenue-generating fine for any karaoke joint that plays Bob Seger's "Night Moves." Don't say you weren't warned, America.

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