Today in Sex: Daddy's Hurting Mommy and I Like It

I was born via immaculate conception. As were my four brothers and sister. My parents sprang, fully formed and married, from a cabbage patch and--speaking of my four brothers and sisters--none of them have ever had sex either. At least that's the way I prefer to think of things. Alas, not everyone is as comfortable in their denial. Certainly not this young lady who wrote to sexpert Betty Dodson this week, worried because she actually, ahem, enjoyed herself listening in on her parents' pork party. . . .

The other night, I overheard the two of them having sex in their bedroom and became entranced just listening from the hall. At first I was shaken, but then I slowly became aroused. The next thing I knew, I was in my bedroom masturbating while imagining my parents having sex. This led me to have an orgasm. I feel guilty about the whole situation as I have never before thought of my parents in a sexual manner, and I feel like I did something very wrong.

Well, little missy--that's because you did do something wrong! And gross! And wrong! So wrong!!

Reading this chick's note actually makes me glad I am/was a) wildly immature and b) raised Catholic and therefore quite comfortable wrapping myself in denial when it comes to the topic of my parents' sex organs or habits. I mean, beating off to the people who gave you life? Making sweet love to Dirk and Danny Digit while your mom bleats, "Daddy, take me from behind with your giant meat cleaver?"

If that's not wrong, I don't know what's right.

But Betty--who is wiser, saner, and apparently stronger of stomach than I--gives this chick a verbal high-five. "It's about time you thought of your parents as sexual people. Now you can relax and enjoy your own sexuality."

Yeah, you go on ahead and enjoy your own sexuality. Me, I'm going to curl myself into the fetal position and watch this video of penguins chasing a butterfly.

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