Never mind that its editorial side might actually have to report critically on some of the local luminaries the Times has recruited to appear in its nauseatingly rah-rah house ad campaign, Fairview Fanny is in cahoots with such radiant Seattle personalities as Ciscoe Morris, every last member of the Blethen family and...Don Wakamatsu?!?!
The Daily Weekly got an exclusive gander at the campaign's cutting room floor, and my, was it unpretty. Here's who didn't make the cut, and what they had to say.
- Joe Mallahan, T-Mobile exec and recent mayoral candidate: "Were it not for the Times editorial board's support, I might have avoided dropping a quarter-mil of my own coin on a lifeless race to run the city. That's okay--South Bellevue has some killer Chinese buffets."
- Norm Stamper, former chief of police. "Had the Seattle Times not let me fall on my own sword after the WTO debacle, I wouldn't be mustache-deep in herb in the San Juans. But seriously, thank you--this is awesome."
- Greg Nickels, former mayor/temporary Harvard faculty member (in spite of the fact that he's yet to complete his bachelor's degree): "Ivah's, shmivahs--the chowdah is so much bettah at Hahvahd. And so is the Boston Globe. Kegstand!"
- Alex Rodriguez, former Mariner shortstop. "Look, all I did was take a better offer from another team when I was a free agent. It's not like I forced a trade and got my manager fired like Griffey. Why does everybody love him and boo me? What the fuck?"
- Grace Crunican, former SDOT director who, like Nickels, effectively fell prey to the "Snowpocalypse" of 2009. "Without the Seattle Times' advocacy of governmental belt-tightening, I might have been able to afford a couple more fucking plows and avoided resigning with a tarnished legacy. Life's one big pothole when you hit the top."
- Paul Schell, former mayor. "Without the Seattle Times' staunch boosting of global trade, teargas and a bunch of anarchists, most of whom had no idea what they were actually protesting, wouldn't have left the city in a cloud of teargas and me without a city to run. But at least I got the air rights to the Lusty Lady."
- Carlos Silva, former Mariner pitcher. "Without the Seattle Times' sports page's constant needling of my weight and performance, I'd have never been traded to a National League team, where I am considered an all-star caliber pitcher despite a nettlesome heart condition. How's Milton Bradley working out for you, fuckers?"