Today in Sex: Uncivil Unions

Which of the following items are included in the Ozzfest "Unholy Matrimony" wedding package:

A) Civil ceremony garbled by the Prince of Darkness himself, with Kelly as flowergirl

B) A sacrificial bat

C) Matching Mark-of-the-Beast tramp stamps

D) All of the above

E) None of the above

Sadly, the answer is E: None of the above.

Instead, betrothed couples who purchase the $2,666.00 (get it--666!!!) package get 10 general admission tickets, a ceremony performed by some dude named "Big Dave," an Ozzfest cake and champagne toast (wouldn't Jack Daniels be more appropriate?), tour shirts, some ear buds and guitar picks. What a gyp--not even any prime rib or chicken.

However, with the average wedding costing over 20k these days, this is a cheaper option for the frugal affianced. Not only that, you're pretty much guaranteed never to meet another bride able to boast she had Mötley Crüe playing at her reception. Instead of worrying about the price of table linens and those little bags of pastel almonds, these couples will have loads of dough left over for essentials like hair spray and Valtrex.

Though presumably the defibrillator you'll need for the mother of the bride once she discovers her baby girl is not only not having a church service, but is instead taking her vows in a stadium surrounded by thousands of screaming metal fans, costs extra.

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