Today in Sex: Like Asking a Vegan How He'd Like His Steak Cooked

When my dad was born, the doctor spelled his name wrong on the birth certificate. He did it again when my aunt was born--as a result, they both have different last names than the rest of their family. When we later quizzed my grandmother as to why she didn't correct the doctors, she looked shocked. Jaysus, Mary and Joseph--that'd be akin to questioning the Pope! And while most of us today would have no problem correcting a doctor's misspelling, we're still inclined to take scientific research at face value. Because, let's face it, doctors are better educated than most of us. Which is why, at first glance, this new study on orgasms published in the Journal of the British Association of Urological Surgeons seemed to make sense.

The doctors surveyed nearly 600 women, ranging in age from 18 to 95, and discovered that, regardless of their age, difficulty reaching orgasm was their number-one sexual complaint.


While I don't doubt that orgasm eludes a lot of women, the ladies that took part in this particular survey were all patients at a New Jersey urology clinic, suffering from conditions like incontinence, urinary tract infections, pelvic floor problems and kidney stones.

Which means that every single woman surveyed was already suffering from hoo-ha-adjacent issues. Think about it. If you had giant bulbous hemorrhoids, wouldn't that impact your sex life? Even if you're not engaging in the buttsecks, a bloody, burning bunghole would probably put the kibosh on your ardor.

Have you ever had a urinary tract infection? It should be no surprise that someone whose peehole feels like a flamethrower would have trouble reaching orgasm. And while I've never experienced kidney stones first-hand, my boyfriend describes the pain as nearly puke-inducing in its intensity. I don't think it's a stretch to say that people with burning urethras aren't the ideal demographic to quiz about their sex lives.

So yes, study the female orgasm to your heart's content, oh, science guys. But next time leave the urology office and go to your local bar to gather participants. Cruise the aisles of Babeland, or even the nearest mall. Go anywhere that's not a waiting room filled with people crossing their legs in discomfort and shrieking in pain every time they have to pee.

comments powered by Disqus