Today in Sex: Breaking News--Lady Priests NOT as Bad as Pedo Priests!

After fielding a world of shit for lumping the ordination of women in with sex crimes against children, the Vatican this week clarified that they didn't actually equate the two "crimes:" diddling a child is definitely worse than ordaining a woman. Thanks for clearing that up, Vatican--I was confused there for a minute. After the jump, a couple other sins that aren't quite up there with molesting a child. . . .

1.) Making sangria out of holy wine. While it is purported to be the actual blood of Christ, prior to being consecrated, holy wine is just plain old crushed grapes. Therefore, throw in a a cup of brandy, a couple fruit slices, and ice, and you're good to go. Definitely not as bad as molesting an altar boy.

2.) Crafting make-believe hosts out of Wonder Bread. If you grew up playing church, like I did, you know that there isn't another product out there that is malleable enough to be squashed into the shape of a host. Once again, unless it's been blessed by the God Squad, this isn't actually the body of Christ, so you're not breaking any rules.

3.) Priests with girlfriends. It's my neighborhood's worst-kept secret that the handsome young priest at my local parish spends half the year in Italy with his super-hot "housekeeper" who is also his girlfriend. Far from being offended, the little old Italian ladies titter and gossip about this constantly. (How do you think I found out? Certainly not by going to mass.) While his side action goes against the church's celibacy rule, it's also not as bad an infraction as pedo'ing some kid who's been left in his care. Plus, that whole celibacy rule--wrong, wrong, wrong.

4.) Priests with boyfriends. Even priests who embezzle more than a million dollars to buy escorts, as Connecticut priest, Father Kevin J. Gray did, aren't as bad as the priests who molest children and the other priests who cover up their crimes. While deceiving his parishioners, stealing loads of money, hiring rent boys, and running what we now know was a highly hypocritical campaign against gay marriage was sinful, it's still not as bad as molesting a single child. Yet this guy is going to pay far higher a price than most pedo-priests ever do.

So thank you, Vatican, for clarifying that female priests aren't as bad as the men who molest the children entrusted to their care. If you'd care for a longer list of things that aren't as bad as child molesters, feel free to email me. I'd be happy to help you out.

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