Seattle's Russian Spies Prove To Be As Inept as Rollo the Janitor

Earlier today, a U.S. plane and a Russian plane landed at an airport in Vienna. Out of the Russian plane came four highly-skilled U.S. spies (of Russian descent). Out of the U.S., plane came 10 highly unskilled Russian spies (also of Russian descent). All these spies then switched planes on the tarmac, thus culminating the most lopsided swap since the Detroit Pistons of the National Basketball Association traded point guard Chauncey Billups to the Denver Nuggets in exchange for a past-his-prime Allen Iverson.

Whereas the four spies released to the U.S. each boast elite intelligence pedigrees, the 10 deported to Russia seem to have been inspired by Rollo, the janitor from the great Adam Sandler movie Billy Madison. Billy, who is something of a buffoon, is set to inherit his father's hotel empire. Billy eventually finds out his dad paid off his teachers to graduate him to the next grade, even in elementary school. So in order to prove himself worthy of taking over the company, he re-enrolls in kindergarten, where his teacher is Ms. Lippy, and aspires to complete one grade per week until he graduates from high school. His father agrees to give him the company if he achieves this goal.

Eric (played by Bradley Whitford) is Mr. Madison's second-in-command, and is desperate to undermine Billy so he can take over the company instead. Naturally, he hires the school janitor, Rollo, to spy on Billy. When Rollo reports back to Eric, his intelligence amounts to "Billy likes to drink soda" and "Ms. Lippy's car is green."

So it was with the Russian spies who lived in Seattle for a spell, SW has learned, having exclusively obtained the padlocked journals of Michael Zottoli and his wife, Patricia Mills.

Just what kind of highly-classified data did Zottoli and Mills, who both earned degrees from the University of Washington and most recently resided in Capitol Hill's Belmont Court apartments, glean from their stint in Seatown? Prepare to have your mind blown (excerpts taken directly from Zottoli's notes):

- Chopper 7 belongs to a television station called KIRO and is capable of landing atop buildings of varying height and width.

- Critical Mass is a collection of cyclists who are hostile toward motorcars and underarm deodorant.

- Cliff Mass is often able to predict storm fronts with extreme accuracy.

- Sea-Tac is an airport whose name is a hybrid of "Seattle" and "Tacoma." And yet, there is a small municipality called Sea Tac as well. American city-namers are occasionally uncreative.

- Capitol Hill is so gay that it would be unsurprising if it were the birthplace of homosexuality. Additionally, we have no idea how the straight men who live there fit into tight women's jeans. Perhaps they paint them on each morning.

- The Seattle Center is a large public space that appears to have no known utility, other than having one of the world's last Pizza Havens in its Food Court.

- A slender Japanese man who swings a wood stick at rapidly-thrown balls is heralded as the city's finest athlete.

- The crowd at Seattle Storm basketball games consists almost entirely of females, and they really seem to like one another.

- Bothell is a mysterious northeasterly suburb whose slogan is "for a day or a lifetime." We recommend a day, three tops.

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