Hey, Washington voters: You're getting screwed! Not because your politicians (or the people who want to be your politicians) are pissing away money or dedicating post offices when they should be passing laws. No, you're getting screwed because your politicians are boring. And since politics, like everything else these days, is just another form of entertainment, that means you're stuck watching public access while the rest of the country gets cable.
Former Nevada Senatorial candidate Sue Lowden thinks that poor people should barter poultry for physicals. And one of her opponents, Sharron Angle, recently suggested that teenage girls raped and impregnated by their fathers shouldn't get abortions, but should instead turn a "lemon situation into lemonade." (Gross.)
Help us, Sharron. You're the only thing that can keep us from falling asleep before the primaries.
Kentucky has Ron Paul's son, the only man in America who still believes that "NAFTA superhighway" conspiracy theory. Indiana has an abstinence-obsessed politician who actually slept with the staffer who interviewed him about his crusade against doing it. And South Carolina, well...
South Carolina is the Pay-Per-View of political spectacle.
First those lucky South Carolinians got to watch the sex scandal between gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley and a Republican blogger. Then they got an unexpected encore in the form of Alvin Greene, the blank slate who won the Democratic nomination for Senate by default, and thinks that selling an action-figure version of himself is one way to reduce unemployment.
"Hi, I'm Alvin Greene. The strangest thing in American politics."
And don't even get me started on last year's sweeps, when then-Governor Mark Sanford admitted he'd been nowhere near the Appalachian Trail. That was like DirectTV and "the dish" all in one.
"But don't you see, Caleb," imaginary person I envision protesting this line of argument might say, "being reasonable is what makes Washington what it is today. And we wouldn't want to sacrifice good governance for a little ill repute."
Don't try to hide behind those copies of The New Yorker and Mother Jones fanned out on your coffee table. You're a well-dressed ape, just like me.
And just like me, you'll read just enough of the latest David Brooks column so you don't look silly if it gets brought up in polite conversation. But you won't dare let it cut into your TMZ-time. (Those 90 minutes every day are SACRED!)
And yes, a little bit of the crazy does float up into Washington every now and again. Like when Tea Party candidate Clint Didier told some seniors that the United Nations is coming to get their guns. Or when Pam Roach got kicked out of her own party's meetings.
But those "scandals" were like an amuse bouche of lunacy; delicious, but not filling. And don't we, as voters, deserve a full meal? After all, we're the ones paying for it.