Every once in a while, a guest author will stop by The Daily Weekly to offer his or her thoughts on an important subject. Today we welcome God -- the creator of the universe and all-knowing being pictured at right -- to explain why He, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to curse Seattle with such miserable "summer" weather. Take it away, Jehovah...
You know what's funny about you humans? You think I control everything.
Want an example? You wouldn't believe how many prayers I get on Monday nights in the fall.
"Oh, you want me to stop the Arizona Cardinals on this pivotal third down, do you?" Well too bad! That Seahawks' d-line is more porous than the Egyptian army's first infantry. Not even a deity like me can intervene with run prevention that shitty.
Anyway, despite my unwillingness and inability to help you win your office pool, there is one thing I can claim complete control over: the weather. That's right, hail, snow, lightning, tornadoes, frogs; you name it, I can make it fall from the sky.
Making it rain, the Yahweh-way.
Which is why I'd like to take this opportunity to let you, the people of Seattle, know why you've had such miserable weather this June.
Ya see, thanks to a wise investment I made in a Tucson-area Mailbox Etc. franchise, I'm in what you'd refer to as the high-income tax bracket. (Yes, God pays taxes too. But that thing about death? I still get a free pass on that unpleasantry.)
Because of my substantial yearly take-home pay, I'm generally opposed to any form of income tax. Which is why I've been smiting the Pacific Northwest with unseasonably cold, wet weather this summer. I figure, the uglier it gets out there, the harder it will be for the I-1098 petitioners trying to get signatures to make the ballot come November.
A lot of you are probably thinking this refusal to pay My fair share is somehow in conflict with what's written in the Bible. To which I'd say, "You have me confused with my son." He's the one who's into all that prostitute-foot-washing, curing-the-sick social justice crap.
Yep, not even God's family can escape the cliche that the son is more liberal than the father. But what am I gonna do? He's a good kid with a big heart.
Oh, and for all of you thinking, "Well doesn't bad weather affect everyone trying to get on the ballot this year?" Why yes, yes it does. But if you're so smart, should it really be a surprise that I'm trying to punish Tim Eyman too?