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Al Gore sexually assaulted a massage therapist? The National Enquirer -- fresh off ending the political career of fellow former Presidential candidate John Edwards --


Al Gore's Portland Masseuse Problem: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know (and Many Things You Didn't)

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Al Gore sexually assaulted a massage therapist? The National Enquirer -- fresh off ending the political career of fellow former Presidential candidate John Edwards -- has just unearthed an unbelievable 2006 police report in which the Portland masseuse alleges that the sex-crazed Gore attacked her in a swanky hotel room. Let's break this one down, shall we?

OK, forget about facts: can we just get all of the juicy stuff up front?

Of course you can! And boy is there a lot of it!

Everyone seems to agree on this much: on October 24, 2006, Gore was staying at the swanky boutique Hotel Lucia in downtown Portland. He was in town for a talk on climate change when the woman says she was called to his room -- where he was staying under the alias "Mr. Stone" -- to give him a massage.

Then, according to this unnamed woman, Gore turned into a villain out of a bad 1940's radio play.

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Remember when the world was kind of skeeved out by Gore kissing his WIFE?
First he gave her a creepy hug. Then he demanded she massage him in places no one should have to think about.

More specifically, she says he "grabbed my right hand hard, shoved it down under the sheet to his pubic area, my fingers brushing against his penis and firmly planted my hand on his pubic crest region and said to me, 'There!!' in a very sharp, loud, angry-sounding tone."

Then she says he went from angry to pleading, begging her to release all the "tension" in his "second chakra" (if you know what he means, wink wink).

The woman then got the very strange idea that she could distract Gore with a box of chocolates, which backfired when he tried to get her to eat one out of his hand. Now, some disturbing visuals courtesy of Gawker:

He had been pressing his body up against mine, holding me tightly, holding me tightly and I was not certain if his robe was open or closed... It seemed partway open like the robes are small. He's rotund, you know? And I did not want to look down to see. I could feel what seemed to be an erection from him.


he turned to me and he immediately flipped me flat on my back and threw his whole body face down over atop me, pinning me down and outweighing me by quite a bit. Get off me, you big lummox! I loudly protested to him and I struggled with my whole body to shove him as hard as I could to roll him off me...

Groping, grinding and forced kissing ensued. Until the woman says she was finally able to escape the room. When she got home, she found what she thought might be a stain of little-Gores on her black pants. (And the Clinton parallels keep coming! So to speak.)

The end. (Thank God.)

Why does this all sound too crazy to believe?

Well, the word "lummox" for one thing. The only people who use it are bad writers doing their worst to imitate a Raymond Chandler detective novel.

So there's that. And then there's the fact that this woman has been remarkably flighty about her story, even by massage therapist standards.

She and her lawyer canceled three separate interviews with police. There were two long breaks where she didn't say anything -- the first for two years, between the time when she made her initial report and 2009 when she gave a second statement to police, and the second a year-and-a-half later when she asked the police if she could edit the statement, then told them she was going to the media.

Also, Al Gore has been in the public eye for decades. Outside of that famously awkward lip-lock with Tipper, he's never shown any sign that he has a libido. If you had polled a random stranger on the street yesterday and asked them what their idea of foreplay with Gore would look like, most would have said, "a room temperature glass of milk and Powerpoint slides."

Something about this doesn't compute.

Did she really describe Gore as a "crazed sex poodle"?

Yes, yes she did. Which leads us to this:

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Is there more?

Yes. TPMMuckracker has a minute-by-minute account of the madness. And if you really want to go nuts, PDF-yourself with the 45-page police report. But don't say you weren't warned.

(And to see the very strange Taiwanese cartoon recreation of Gore's fateful evening, click here.)

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