R.I.P. Al and Tip
Former Vice President of the Internet Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce. This is sad for many reasons.
R.I.P. Al and Tip
They have kids, they were together for 40 years and now millions of people are making the lame joke, "Can you believe they outlasted the Clintons?!"
But the reason the Gore's divorce is saddest of all is that it happened to them, and not some other couples. Here now, the six who should have made the trip to Splitsville instead.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
Get it? God these two famewhores are awful.
The attention-starved reality TV couple is more commonly known as "Speidi," a rough mash-up of their names and an accurate description of how they make most of America feel -- as if crawled upon by an eight-legged beast.
Speidi needs to be broken up before it chooses to reproduce. If only because the superdouche it would spawn would be impervious to all but the most experimental forms of modern weaponry.
(Hey, they listened to me! Or they're just trying to get more publicity. Yeah, that's probably it.)
Make these two miserable so someone else can be happy? Makes sense.
Jennifer Aniston is the most sullen movie star in the history of celluloid. Health, good looks, fame and money can't make her happy. But the break-up of her ex and World's Most Beautiful Woman just might do the trick.
Make it happen, tabloid journalism!
John and Cindy McCain
This marriage makes the Clintons look like Ward & June. McCain has somehow managed
to keep his dogged skirt-chasing out of the press. Now that his Presidential aspirations are dashed and he may lose his Senate seat, Cindy should drop his ass, write him out of the will and focus on her true calling: trying to convince the world she's not an alien.
J-Lo and Marc Anthony
She's got looks and he's got...hey, he knows how to put on a shirt. Good for him!
Their breeding, sure to result in talking skeletons with asses the size of Mt. Rainier, only works as an extreme science project. But it's no good for the human race. And Anthony's steady influence has sadly kept J-Lo out of the gossip rags, which is the only medium in which she really thrives.
Alan Greenspan and Andrea Mitchell
Resist visual upload.
After screwing America as Federal Reserve chairman, it's really only fair that Greenspan stop being able to screw a brainy bird decades his junior.
Laura and Dubya
Way buy-bye, George.
We always knew there was something behind that fake smile. Turns out, all this time the Prez's wife was hiding a fondness for cigarettes, gay marriage and abortion rights.
You can do better, Laura! Just like the rest of us!