Could Sarah Palin Survive in the Alaskan Wilderness?

palinfurcoat.jpg
Facebook
Thanks to that fur jacket, the cross necklace (means the guy upstairs is on her side), and her unbelievable will to be in our faces forever, Palin could survive for days.
The Learning Channel--with its affinity for crazy/overly reproductive parents like Jon and Kate Gosselin and the 19-child Duggar clan--is planning a documentary on the State of Alaska and it's most well-known Tea Partyier, Sarah Palin.

"Discovery Communications [owner of TLC] is so excited to help Sarah Palin tell the story of Alaska, and to have a great documentary filmmaker in Mark Burnett [Claim to fame: Survivor] helping to reveal Alaska's powerful beauty as it has never been filmed, and as told by one of the state's proudest daughters," said chief operating officer Peter Liguori, in announcing the pairing. It could be an April Fool's joke except early word of the project came out last week, so who knows.

Regardless TLC has a promotional site up that includes a quiz titled: Could you survive in the Alaskan wilderness? More importantly could the state's proudest daughter? Let's find out:

Question 1: What is the biggest threat to skiers? This one, to Palin's credit, can't be answered correctly since socialist universal health care isn't an option. So we'll just give it to her.

Chances of survival: 1/10

Question 2: What type of snow presents a greater risk of avalanche? The options are layered or compacted. Palin picks layered because when some bitch like Katie Couric asks questions that demand multi-layered understanding of issues, everything falls apart. CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 2/10

Question 3: What should you do if you are swept up in an avalanche? Palin would select powerful swimming/shameless self promotion motions to stay on top of it. She might not know we're still talking about snow here rather than a disastrously failing political campaign, but whatever, she's still CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 3/10

Question 4: Frostbite is always a danger in the mountains. What are the first signs of frostbite? Palin selects "shallow breathing, overwhelming sleepiness" since it's something she sees so often at outdoor events up North. Sorry, Sarah, that's just your Tea Party fans after an all-night, rage-filled bender. WRONG!

Chances of survival: 3/10

Question 5: How can you stop yourself from sliding uncontrollably down a snowy, steep mountainside without an ice axe? Palin picks "dig in your heels" while yelling at her computer "never give up!" Unfortunately for her (and us) that's WRONG! (For what it's worth, the right answer, getting onto your belly and digging in your elbows and toes, probably won't save you either.)

Chances of survival: 3/10

Question 6: Alaska has a healthy population of bears - both black and brown. What is your best defense against attack in bear country? Palin picks loudly talking--since that's her defense against everything, bears, Democrats, obscurity... CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 4/10

Question 7: True or False: Devil's club is used as a medicinal plant. OMG! The Devil is full of falsity! Nope, turns out the Devil can be good for you, just like universal health care. WRONG!

Chances of survival: 4/10

Question 8: True or False: "Eskimo potato" is an edible plant. Please, Palin fries these up and serves them to her brood every Wednesday. CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 5/10

Question 9: Alaska is threaded with fast-flowing, glacier-fed rivers. How do you cross such a river on foot? As with the ice axe question, Palin picks the most stubborn-sounding option: face upstream. But in this case, that is CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 6/10

Question 10: How do you build a signal fire? None of the answers tell you how to get it started, so this question isn't all that helpful. But once you've got a spark, three of the options are ways to arrange the fire with the fourth being add evergreen branches and make that sucker as smokey as possible. Palin, who cannot stop billowing herself, would go straight for that answer, which is CORRECT!

Chances of survival: 7/10

If anyone could live in the Alaskan wilderness unaided on sheer stubbornness and the will to make it to her next appearance at a Tea Party rally, it's Palin. So if you ever find yourself lost in Denali National Park, ask yourself, WWSPD?

 
comments powered by Disqus