What Happens When You Throw a Winter Olympics and Winter Forgets to Show Up?

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"Dude, where's my snow?"
Seattle is in the midst of an El Niño--read: very mild--winter. Coming on the heels of last year's Snowpocalypse, which froze the city into immobility, this is probably a welcome environment for most Seattleites. But what's warm for Seattle is sending chills down Vancouver, B.C.'s spine.

Why? Vancouver has a Winter Olympics to host in a little under a month, and it's so toasty there right now that they're having to shut down ski slopes in order to "to preserve and protect the integrity of the snowboarding and freestyle-skiing courses." Worse yet, it doesn't look like this tropical front will be returning to the Caribbean anytime soon, predicts the Northwest's (and perhaps the nation's) preeminent weather guru, Cliff Mass.

"On [Feb. 12, the day the Games are set to start] the high will be 49F, the low 38F. Mostly cloudy with scattered light rain showers," Mass informs the Daily Weekly, upon request. "Now you realize of course that I could be off a degree or two!"

Ru-roh, Raggy! And here we thought a front-page ticketing "scandal" was going to be the biggest hurdle for Vancouver's Olympic Committee to overcome. Either that or the fact that nobody outside of hard-core fans tends to give two shits about the Winter Olympics, aside from when Johnny Weir takes the ice in one of his gayer-than-Bowie get-ups.

Seriously, Vancouver, didn't you realize shooting your wad on the Summer Olympics' frigid kid sister is like going to McDonald's for dinner on the night your $500 gift certificate to Canlis is set to expire? As for how to deal with the weather, we propose the Winter Olympics be restricted to countries not named England which contain the word "land" in them--Iceland and Greenland, specifically. While Canadian officials pray for snow, those countries don't stand a snowball's chance in Vancouver of landing a Summer Olympics, or having unwinterly weather when the torch is lit. And we hear Reykavik's pretty fun.

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