Five Ways America Can Get Back at Italy for the Amanda Knox Trial

If Italy won't give Amanda Knox a fair trial, then it's time to take matters into our own hands.
Amanda Knox is in a pickle. Convicted on Friday of the murder of her British roommate, the 22-year-old University of Washington student now faces 26 years in an Italian jail.

Whether Knox is really guilty is unknown. But it's clear she didn't get a fair trial.

The Italian prosecution and British tabloid press worked hand-in-hand to craft the image of "Foxy Knoxy," an American teen whose lust for sex was only matched by her hunger for blood. This despite the fact that Knox had no criminal history and there was little physical evidence tying her to the murder.

With diplomatic intervention unlikely (Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she's busy with some place called "Af-ghan-i-stan"), the fight to get Knox a new, fair trial has been left to us: the American people. So here now are five ways the States can get back at Italy.

5. All things "Italian" shall be renamed.

freedom fries.jpg
Cuz nothing says "America" like fat dipped in fat, then fried in more fat.
Remember back in 2003 when the Congressional cafeteria changed the name of French fries in response to Gallic criticism of the Iraq war? Same idea.

From now on, you'll be ordering that salad with freedom dressing. "Little Italy" is the more patriotic "Small America." And if you can't get through your day without a grande espresso from your favorite Starbucks barista, learn to say the words "I'll have one large, steam-expressed coffee to-go." And don't forget to tip your "bartender."

4. Keep the Italian stars we want. Repatriate the ones we don't.

Monica Belluci. Yeah, we'll be keeping her.
Monica Belluci, Sophia Loren and Giada de Laurentius? Bienvenuto, bella bambinas!

Donatella Versace, Roberto Benigni and Tony Danza? Arrivederci!

3. Three words: Vespa hipster tax.

Sorry, buddy. Until Ford makes one scooters are off limits.
Italians have made a fortune off of the nostalgia for these two-wheeled scooters. No more!

With burdensome tariffs, new Vespas will be so expensive your skinny-jean wearing friends will have to find a new, less treasonous way to get to Bumbershoot.

2. Send weapons to Sicily.

Arm every Sicilian with a sidearm and you'll have anarchy by nightfall.
America has a long, inglorious history of arming insurrections. Italians have a long, inglorious history of whacking each other. What better way to mesh the two cultural traditions than by strapping Sicilians and hoping for a revolution?

(Side note: May also be used in case of future Chinese damsel-in-distress situation. Just replace "Sicily" with "Taiwan.")

1. Relocate MTV's "Jersey Shore" from Seaside Heights to Cinque Terre.

The cast of Jersey Shore. You say blatant stereotypes. They say go fuck ya' self.
Known in diplomatic circles as the "nuclear option." This is like that hatchet behind the glass that you only break in case of an emergency.

MTV's brilliant decision to stick eight guidos and guidettes in one Jersey weekend share has Italian-American advocacy groups up in arms. They're complaining now, but wait until we send them a one-ton care package dripping with self-tanner and L.A. Looks styling gel.

As for ever taking them back? Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, fuhgeddaboutit.

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