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Rampant illiteracy means Boeing can save on signage. Finally, South Carolina ignorance pays off!
In the next two weeks, Boeing will make a decision that

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5 Things South Carolina Can Offer Boeing That Washington Can't

misssouthcarolina.jpg
Rampant illiteracy means Boeing can save on signage. Finally, South Carolina ignorance pays off!
In the next two weeks, Boeing will make a decision that will have enormous consequences for the future of two different states. Everett, Washington and Charleston, South Carolina are the two finalists in the battle to see who will get to build the 787 Dreamliner, the company's newest jet.

On the one hand, Everett can offer stability -- Boeing has been in the Pacific Northwest for decades. On the other, Charleston can offer cash. Lots of it.

In the grand tradition of Southern states luring big business with welfare, the South Carolina legislature is currently tweaking a sweetener package that includes low-interest bonds and tax breaks. This everyone knows.

What has remained a secret, until now, is another list. Five items and services, only available in South Carolina, that lawmakers hope will help swing the pendulum in their favor. After the jump, the confidential letter legislators sent to Boeing execs.

Dear Boeing,

In hopes of continuing the positive partnership between us, we'd like to present you the following "incentives" to encourage your move to the great city of Charleston. Should you so choose, all five of these items could be yours. They are, in no particular order, as follows...

1. A guided hiking tour of the Appalachian Mountains with Governor Mark Sanford.

Alternate option: Free airfare to the South American country of their choosing. The transfer in Buenos Aires, however, is non-negotiable.

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Governor Sanford tears up at the thought of spending seven days in the wilderness with Boeing executives.

2. Strom Thurmond's lucky leg shackles.

Historians say he only used these on his most favorite of, um, house guests.

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Ol' Strom won't be needing these any more.

3. Alternative fuels

You haven't truly experienced luxury until you've flown a plane running on bathtub moonshine made from turpentine and apple brandy. Smooth. As. Silk.

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Meet your new man at the pump, Boeing.

4. Unlimited henna tattoos on the Myrtle Beach boardwalk

Commemorate your stay with a rapidly-disintegrating Yosemite Sam tramp stamp. On the house!

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It's the rootinest, tootinest, stupidest decision you'll ever make, yee-haw!

5. Autographed visors from legendary South Carolina ball-coach Steve Spurrier

Nothing says "we produce winners" like a washed-up play-caller who'd rather golf than coach football. Go ahead and take a whiff. Smells like bermuda grass and mediocrity, don't it?

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Not included: Losing record in the SEC.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Your favorite Rebels

 
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