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With Labor Day weekend approaching, most offices slow down. Half the staff is on vacation. Lunch hour drags on for hours. Email goes unanswered for

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We Must Strive Daily to Follow the Shining Bing Example of Comrade Lu!

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With Labor Day weekend approaching, most offices slow down. Half the staff is on vacation. Lunch hour drags on for hours. Email goes unanswered for weeks. But not so for Microsoft's unstoppable search engine dynamo Qi Lu, who was hired from Yahoo! to optimize and expand the reach of Bing. (Bing, you'll recall, is the new supposed Google-slayer and replacement for Internet Explorer.)

So while the rest of the business world is coasting this week and next, stretching vacation week as far as possible, today's New York Times profile offers some frightening examples of workplace productivity from Mr. Lu, the admirably hardworking son of Chinese peasants, for his staff to follow. "He sleeps three to four hours a night. On most weekdays, he wakes up around 4 a.m., goes through his e-mail and runs four miles on a treadmill while listening to classical music or watching the news." Also, reports the Times, Lu has been known to hold staff meetings at 9:30--not in the morning, but at night!

After the jump, more productivity tips from comrade Lu that Bing team members are expected to follow...

  • All Bing product staff must perform group calisthenics on the Redmond lawn each morning at 7 a.m. Those failing to wear official company Bing T-shirts must run laps.
  • Following group calisthenics, Bing team members will sing songs of praise to Steve Ballmer, our Supreme Dear Leader and CEO.
  • During 10-minute lunch break, Bing team members are expected to follow Lu's example of eating dried ramen noodles washed down with old packets of soy sauce. We must not waste precious company resources!
  • Like comrade Lu, Bing team members are expected to void their bladders and bowels only during their non-working hours at home.
  • Following 9:30 p.m. mandatory staff meetings, the Bing product development team should engage in self-criticism sessions. Topics include: Why am I not working hard enough? Why am I sleeping so much? Why am I so greedy about drinking old packets of soy sauce? Discuss.
  • On Saturdays, Bing engineers are expected to assist team leader Lu in shoveling coal for the Microsoft boilers. Remember the official slogan: "One ton equals Bing fun!"
  • On Sundays, as a form of community service, volunteers from the Bing development team are strongly encouraged to assist in the damning of the Sammamish Slough to prevent catastrophic flooding and increase Redmond's rice crop. Until then, it's dried ramen noodles and old soy sauce for everyone.

 
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