You remember Snowpocalypse , of course, when the city was immobilized for over a week during December by unswept sidewalks and uncleared streets. Except the


Sunpocalypse Scandal at City Hall!

You remember Snowpocalypse, of course, when the city was immobilized for over a week during December by unswept sidewalks and uncleared streets. Except the pavement in West Seattle, where Mayor Nickels enjoyed a suspiciously clear path down to City Hall. Sand versus salt, the general incompetence of SDOT, and Nickels' own self-grading of a B during the winter crisis--the residual snowflakes of political discontent may still prove potent during the fall election season.

But now, in an exclusive investigation, SW has learned that our current heat wave--expected to reach 100 degrees today--is being mismanaged from City Hall. In a municipal scandal we call Sunpocalypse, our reporters have confirmed that West Seattle, the home turf to our mayor, is at least ten degrees cooler than the rest of the city. Coincidence? Keep reading for more damning evidence....

In a Tuesday press conference, Mayor Nickels announced longer hours for municipal wading pools and parks, and encouraged overheated citizens to seek refuge in our air-conditioned libraries. Fine, that's for the rest of us not lucky to be living in West Seattle where, according to our reporters:

  • Fanned by city helicopters, a cooling ocean breeze is wafting in from Elliott Bay.
  • Popsicles and ice cream are being offered gratis by roaming SDOT trucks.
  • Seattle City Light workers are installing air conditioning units to any who ask.
  • The handsomest men and women of the SPD are currently patrolling Alki in swim trunks and bikinis.
  • California Ave. S.W. has been turned into a refrigerated snow slide (with half-pipe for snowboarders).
  • More trees provide shade than elsewhere in the city, since the parks department recently planted hundreds of new elms on the sidewalks.
  • Constructed by city workers, a parasol the size of the old Kingdom roof now shades the entire Junction neighborhood.
  • The West Seattle Water Taxi is, after heavy lobbying from SW Managing Editor Mike Seely, offering free, ice-cold beer.
  • Colman Pool in Lincoln Park has been drained of tepid salt water and filled with cool, refreshing, grape-flavored Slurpee for kids to frolic in.
  • Fire Department trucks have been dispatched to hose down any pedestrians who ask.
  • The Vashon ferry has just been spotted towing in an iceberg from Alaska, paid for by Seattle Public Utilities.
  • Clad only in a Speedo, Deputy Mayor Tim Ceis is personally offering free massages--using bags of frozen peas--to shoppers at the Metropolitan Market.
  • For women desiring sunblock be applied to their shoulders and other hard-to-reach areas, that task Mayor Nickels has selflessly entrusted to himself.
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