Maybe They Should've Just Tased Them? State Troopers Investigated for Clubbing Baby Seagulls

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Washington State Patrol could purchase this set for training purposes for just $268.00
There's an Adam Sandler sketch called Toll Booth Willie, in which the occupant of a toll booth--he happens to go by the name "Willie"--endures all sorts of abuse from the toll-payers. They call him worthless, assault him, belittle his sexual prowess, and hit him with their cars. Toll Booth Willie, if you're reading, take solace: You're no longer the most miserable of the toll-booth dwellers. At least you weren't, for a short time. Namely the time it took two Washington State Patrol officers to club some baby seagulls to death.

The story: Seagulls had built a nest in a toll booth next to Colman Dock, i.e. Seattle Ferry Terminal. The babies lived in the nest, as is their wont. Because of this, their parents were suspicious of and dive-bombed anyone who approached it. Seeking to kill the drama but seriously OD-ing on the force component, a couple of Washington State Troopers, working for Homeland Security, got out their clubs and killed the babies instead.

The seagulls, however, happen to be a protected species, and the clubbing might constitute a misdemeanor. Thus, the investigations begin. (First up is the Department of Fish and Wildlife.)

While the clubbing of baby seagulls--like the phonetically similar and more widely renounced clubbing of baby seals--is obviously upsetting to all, we turn for reaction to someone familiar with the late chicks themselves, SW web editor and resident expert in all-things-ferry, Chris Kornelis.

"Over the last three years, commuters aboard the Bremerton ferry have watched several baby geese and seagulls literally come out of their shells," says a shaken Kornelis. "This kind of barbarism sours what was the only sweet part of an otherwise soiled daily experience. We were surrogate parents to those little devils."

In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to send stale fries to the surviving birds.

 
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