An Open Letter to All You Crazy P-I "Sound Off" Commenters

We understand you're sad. We understand your feelings of loss and bereavement that The Seattle Post-Intelligencer will cease to publish today. What will the new P-I Web site be like? Will it welcome your careful, measured thoughts and comments in the reader "Sound Off" section following each story? Will there actually be news stories for you to comment on?

We're talking to you, Above-n-Beyond, and to you, zorchdave. It's not just those nefarious liberal P-I writers, with their incessantly slanted left-wing bias--as you perceive it--who will soon be homeless. The new Web-only P-I might not be interested in your conspiracy theories and screeds. It might be too busy aggregating Britney Spears sightings and The Bachelor updates to bother soliciting your opinions on local crime, traffic, and taxation.

Fortunately, in a spirit of trans-media compassion, we at Seattle Weekly would like to extend an important offer to ojdidtodoit and other Sound Off refugees....

Did you ever feel--nay, believe--that liberals cause traffic congestion? Are you convinced that creeping socialism underlies every action taken by the city council? Do you worry that smug, effete, homosexual-sympathizing journalists are to blame for media-spawned myths like global warming, evolution, and gravity?

You're right. Or, to put it differently, we welcome your Sound Off comments here at Seattle Weekly. We're willing to take the blame for all you hated about the P-I. (Hell, we'll even claim responsibility for everything that pisses you off about the Times.)

We will be your liberal scapegoat. We want your complaints. We want your grievances. We're open to your most blistering, angry comments. We won't hold your typographical errors, random spelling, addiction to the cap-lock key, or profanity against you. We're not a family paper; we're an alt weekly full of massage parlor and escort ads. Community standards mean nothing to us--which is one more reason you should blame us and our stories for the erosion of society. (But, please, no phone calls; we're talking about the comments section for our blogs and stories.)

We're talking to you, randal357. We will supply the lefty propaganda you so hate.

We're talking to you, MilwaukeeBroad. We will be the liberals hiding under your bed.

We're talking to you, Wednesday. Your puppy can pee on us.

Let's face it, former Sound Off regulars, the new, wholly Hearst-run P-I Web site will be devoted to sound conservative principles of maximizing profit, page views, and ad revenues. Only a small portion of its content will come from the two-dozen-odd remaining staffers. Most will originate from patriotic citizen bloggers much like yourselves, solid salt-of-the-earth types who live far from Seattle in bomb shelters well stocked with canned goods, drinking water, and firearms.

Not like us writers and editors at Seattle Weekly, where we love white wine and brie, where we sip cappuccino by the gallon, where we scheme how to force you out of your cars and onto mass transit, where we plot how to take away your guns, where we want to close schools and increase the divorce rate, where we never met a tax we didn't like. (And yes, to confirm your suspicions, all this talk about same-sex marriage really is just a stealth campaign to allow people to marry their house pets. Only the P-I won't tell you that.)

It's your role, your responsibility as citizens and taxpayers, to stop our liberal agenda. And our comments section can be your new home.

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