I love the Oscars. This is the time of year that I live at the movie theater, eating way too much popcorn and diving headlong into those movies that the Academy deems "Oscar-worthy."
Not everyone can get to the movies in these tough economic times, and not everyone prefers the high-falutin' Oscar movies over the sublime comic brilliance of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Still, it is Server Reboot Wednesday, and since you can't use your computer tonight anyway, you might as well catch an Oscar flick. A brief guide to the Best Picture nominees (some spoilers ahead - you have been warned):
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Starring: Angelina Jolie's husband as Benjamin, Cate Blanchett's cheekbones as Daisy, and more CGI than Transformers.
Plot: Benjamin Button is born old. He ages backwards. He dies a baby. This mirrors the movie-viewing experience; you'll enter the theater as an adult, and after several ass-numbing hours watching this film, you'll wet yourself like an infant (next time, don't order the large Mr. Pibb.)
Best Part: The early scenes where young/old Benjamin looks like Gollum and sounds like Sling Blade - which I believe is the first seven hours of the movie. Enjoy.
Starring: Michael Keaton reprises his role as living snowman Jack Frost, and former Lakers guard Norm Nixon plays himself. (I may have this wrong.)
Plot: OK, it's really about British television presenter David Frost (think Simon Cowell without the nipple shirts) taking on Richard Nixon in four televised interviews. And the whole shebang is directed by Ron Howard. So, to recap: it's a movie based on a play about television directed by a television star turned movie director. That's box office gold!
Best Part: Frost is all like, "You erased those tapes, dude" and Nixon says, "Nuh-uh" and then Frost says...
(You know what? I like my movie idea better. I envision Jack Frost challenging Norm Nixon to a game of H-O-R-S-E. Nixon still can't hit a mid-range jumper, but wins anyway due to Frost melting in the gym.)
Starring: Sean Penn as a frosty glass of skim milk and Josh Brolin as a tasty Twinkie snack cake. Those Method actors are skilled.
Plot: I'm sorry but I couldn't watch this movie. You see, I have this extreme prejudice... against Sean Penn. To me, Sean Penn will always be either Jeff Spicoli or I Am Sam. Either way, I'm gonna be giggling, which is no way to see a movie about a political assassination.
Starring: Those adorable dogs! OMG they're so cute! Look look look look at the poodle! Wearing a sweater! And a HAT! Squeeeee! I'm going to DIE!
(Note: When at the cineplex, do not confuse Slumdog Millionaire with Hotel for Dogs. Completely different movies.)
Plot: Guy goes on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire in the hopes that his long lost love sees him on television. Here's a tip: become a millionaire first, and the girl will find you. True story.
Best Part: I spent the whole movie waiting for someone to explain why the city of Mumbai changed its name from the much-cooler "Bombay." The explanation never came. After the movie I asked the bartender at Von's if he could make me a Mumbai Sapphire martini, up with a twist. He punched me in the eye and for a minute all I saw were brightly colored shapes and stars that moved in every direction at high velocity. Stretch that out to 90 minutes, and you have Slumdog. Good martini, though.
Starring: George W. Bush
Plot: After eight years as the Decider, Bush retreats to Crawford, TX and decides to take up reading "as a change of pace."
Best Part: The dramatic moment when he finishes his first book, the touch-and-feel child's classic Pat the Bunny. "That was a heckuva book!" Bush says. "You know, I always thought the bunny's name was Pat."