OMG! Jonas Bros. Movie in 3-D!

jonas_resize.jpg
There are some films that SW opts not to review because, A) the studios don't screen them in advance for our critics, or B) they aren't opening in metro Seattle theaters. Meeting both criteria is Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience. If you don't know who the Jonas brothers are, ask your tween daughter. Or you could ask our Nick Pinkerton, who has suffered so you don't have to. Nick begins, "Following the franchise template of fellow Hollywood Records-Disney property Miley Cyrus, here's a dose of America's favorite soft-serve rockers for the local pubescents." Keep reading, if you dare...

Nick Pinkerton continues...

Between 3-D concert clips, the Jonas boys gallivant about Manhattan; thank this movie for NYU's horrible incoming freshmen girls, circa 2016. Reiterating Hard Day's Night nods, an incidental montage connects the brothers to a lineage of adolescent heartthrobs. Even in the context of pop-to-statutorily-rape-virgin-eardrums, it's difficult to rate the Jonases. The tunes are no-stick. Presuming the brothers have distinct personalities, they don't shine in the "casual" filler; at best, they're an all-Davy Jones Monkees with varsity soccer co-captain good looks. The chaste Jonases sport promise rings and keep the trouser bulge under control, but some subconscious lasciviousness bubbles up as they jut their microphones out of the screen--and then there's the bit where they hose down the crowd with (and this actually happens) fountains of sticky, white goo. Taking the stage, alongside a platoon of session men riffing for their supper while the boys do their tumbling act, are walk-ons like grinning, dusted sugarplum Demi Lovato and Miss Taylor Swift, singing her jilted, avenging-angel "Should've Said No." Thanks to intrusive dueting, Swift doesn't top the barn-burning theatrics of her CMA performance, but amid such company she's positively hardcore. (75 minutes, Rated G)

 
comments powered by Disqus