motorola_flip.jpg

We recently relayed the rumor that Microsoft should, according to some speculators, buy Palm, which is about to market the sexy new Pre smartphone. The

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If MSFT Made a Smartphone

motorola_flip.jpg

We recently relayed the rumor that Microsoft should, according to some speculators, buy Palm, which is about to market the sexy new Pre smartphone. The cell phone market, according to The New York Times, is stagnant, so any new growth lies along the smartphone path. (Or, as some would have it, following the iPhone.) But here's the catch: Palm probably wouldn't sell unless the Pre is a flop. At the same time, troubled Motorola just announced that its handsets (remember the RAZR?) won't be updated with Microsoft's Windows Mobile 7 until next year.

Redmond needs to act now! I propose the company immediately begin marketing the handset pictured above, with the following features:

  • 100 downloadable ringtones all derived from CEO Steve Ballmer's maniacal laughter, shouting, and exhortations
  • GPS feature allows you to find a restaurant anywhere in the Redmond Town Center mall
  • Tetris and Pong come pre-loaded as games
  • Executive-style belt holster included at no charge

  • Tiny coal-fired battery system requires only daily boiler-stoking
  • Advanced keyboard allows cap lock, print screen, and scroll lock functions
  • Surf the Web through sturdy, crash-resistant Internet Explorer
  • Read email (from licensed Outlook users only; and don't even think about Yahoo! mail)
  • Car charger easily connects to battery under engine hood (extension cable not included)
  • Special $5 surcharge applies to all calls to and from iPhones
  • Contacts are easily imported using MS-DOS
  • Built-in camera produces convenient Polaroid prints in about a minute
  • In emergency, Microsoft Smartphone can be used for nautical anchor, to

    weigh down tarps, or stabilize the rear beds of pickup trucks for

    winter driving

 
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