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  1. The Smart Car

    Seeing its bizarre-o, futuristic shape practically collapsing under its own teeniness, I thought the Smart Car must run on steam or something.

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    Three Things I Just Don't Get

    holiday2200.jpg

    1. The Smart Car

      Seeing its bizarre-o, futuristic shape practically collapsing under its own teeniness, I thought the Smart Car must run on steam or something. But it's not even a hybrid--it just runs on regular gas. So it must get 200 miles per gallon or something, right? No. It gets a measly 40 miles per gallon. Jesus, doesn't an Accord get something close to that? So what other reason would you buy a vehicle that has about enough space for two midgets and a mandarin orange? Price? No, compared to a Tercel, it's not even cheap. And yet there is apparently a waiting list just to test drive this thing.

    2. The Billie Holiday album "Lady in Satin."

      Listening to Billie Holiday is like falling into an opium den. Her sweetly swinging delivery seems to go directly to some previously undiscovered pleasure center of the brain, especially on the early recordings with Lester Young. If the afterlife isn't at least a little bit like Billie's "I Cover The Waterfront," then you can count me out. (Not so much the later stuff, like portentous performances of "Strange Fruit" and "God Bless the Child" for audiences of reverent liberals.)

      "Lady in Satin" was recorded as she was about to die, and sounds it. There's no easy swinging here, just loads of plodding strings behind the croaking ruins of her voice. And yet this album routinely shows up on lists of the all-time greatest records. As a moment in recording history, it may be dramatic, but as a piece of music it's borderline unlistenable.

      For me, anyway. But I thought Johnny Cash also sounded pretty fucking terrible at the end, so what do I know?

    3. Salt scrub

      I'm not the most metrosexual man I know, but I do understand the importance of exfoliation. Salt scrub combines exfoliation (that's the salt part) with essential oils for your skin. But why would you scrub off dead skin cells that will then be suspended in oil and therefore impossible to rinse off? I can only conclude this is a scam aimed at people who don't understand that cleansing and moisturizing are two separate processes.

     
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