The Jon Favreau Speech Obama Didn't Give


There are two Jon Favreaus. (Okay, there are probably more than two Jon Favreaus, but there are only two Jon Favreaus who are famous.) One is a 42-year-old actor-screenwriter-director who made a name for himself in films like Rudy and Swingers. The other is a 27-year-old "baby-faced wunderkind" who is President Obama's chief speechwriter. The speechwriter is largely responsible for the text of today's inaugural address, but that doesn't mean the screenwriter didn't take a stab at a draft of his own. An Obama supporter, the elder Favreau actually got a draft of his inaugural address to the President several weeks ago, only to see it narrowly rejected. Thankfully, the Daily Weekly has obtained the would-be speech now referred to in Administration circles as "Favreau Two," reprinted here in its entirety:

"America, you're so money and you don't even know it.

In my long journey to Washington, I've learned that you don't want all that Pirates of the Caribbean horseshit or the rock and roll grunge tip -- you want to kick it old school. And the Washington Monument is definitely old school. During my campaign, the question I heard most was: If the party starts at eight, then why are we going to a bar at ten? Because America wasn't ready for us to arrive at the party at eight. But now that the clock's struck midnight, the beautiful babies are ready for us. They're our honeys now.

Two years ago, when I declared my candidacy for President, I was like like the guy in the rated R movie -- you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. Before then, as a member of the Illinois statehouse, I was the guy behind the guy. When I was a community organizer in Chicago, I was more like the guy behind the guy behind the guy. And when I unsuccessfully ran for Congress, you wanted someone with more theme-park experience.

But today, I'm like the guy from the PG-13 movie who everyone is hoping will make it happen. Most assuredly, I'm not a bad man -- I'm a winner. But who's the bigger winner? America. America's the big winner.

What I've learned from my numerous interactions with everyday Americans is this: There's nothing wrong with letting citizens know that you're money and that you want to party. And when they ask me what I'm going to do about the economy, I offer a three-word reply: Vegas, baby, Vegas. Soon, record unemployment will evaporate to the point where all of us will be able to afford the Rain Man suite, you dig? Stop looking at the stuff you don't have and look at the things you have. Your former co-workers at the plant were right about you -- you're money.

To America's enemies, I say: Roll up, bitch, and don't play baby games. You start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream and of course it's going to end up on the friendship tip. You take foreign dictators into a 95-degree trailer, crank up Heart, clear the stuffed animals off the bed, and pull the Jedi mind shit, and it'll end up on a different tip. See, America, if you talk to a rogue dictator, he wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make him want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make him not want to come back. But somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. There's the rub.

So just when will our great nation return to a time of peace and prosperity? Well, two days is industry standard, and while I think three days is kind of money, I'm going to ask you to give me six days. And if you go easy on the water, this 50-cent piece has your name on it.

If people ask me, eight years on, what I'd like to be able to say to the American people, my reply will be simply this: You're all grownzed up, America. You're grownzed up and you're grownzed up and you're grownzed up."

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