It's not good enough anymore to just report the news. Gathering facts based on real face-to-face interviews with subjects is passe in today's ever evolving

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Making Crap Up and Pretending It's News

It's not good enough anymore to just report the news. Gathering facts based on real face-to-face interviews with subjects is passe in today's ever evolving media world.

Instead, what readers want are stories based on rumors and innuendo from unnamed sources penned by reporters whose sole object is to be the first to write about something. Anything!

Doesn't matter if the source giving you the scoop is full of more crap than Chris Matthews after an all night bender. Print the damn thing anyway and wait for other news outlets to clean up the mess.

That's how news is made today.

So in this spirit, here at The Seattle Weekly we are more than happy to sell out, changing with the mores of the day like The Rolling Stones laying down tracks for the album "Some Girls".

After the jump are a series of honest-to-God true rumors involving local politicians and sports figures. Sources close to each of the prominent figures mentioned confirm the veracity of the stories. Furthermore, as a diligent reporter, I've personally messaged each of them on Myspace, using my own personal Myspace account, "Giving The Finger To Hoes Who Ain't 'Bout the Dollars".

As soon as they respond, we'll get the information back to you, the credulous reader.

Governor Christine Gregoire is being tabbed by the Obama Administration to serve as an undersecretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Two-time gubernatorial silver medalist Dino Rossi is 75 percent certain that he will run against Patty Murray in 2010 for the U.S. Senate. But only after the BIAW raises $3 million in contributions two months prior to his official announcement.

Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik will pull the trigger on a deal bringing Ken Griffey Jr. back to Seattle as the team's next designated hitter.

Former Seattle mayor Norm Rice is being tabbed by the Obama Administration to serve as an undersecretary for Housing and Urban Development.

The University of Washington Athletics Department is planning to scrap the infamous "Husky Weasel", replacing it with the robust and familiar Husky Dawg logo from the 1990s.

Former independent congressional candidate Linnea Noreen, who ran against the undefeatable Jim McDermott in 2006, will set her sights on toppling Mayor Greg Nickels in 2009 by bringing a combination of native intelligence, quirky charm and a body rating a 9.2 on the political babe-o-meter.

Eastside real estate mogul Kemper Freeman Jr. is secretly in negotiations with Hearst to purchase the Seattle Post Intelligencer. The Republican activist and vocal light rail opponent is assembling an ownership group comprised of conservative investors intent on hiring writers who are even more conservative than those sitting on the Seattle Times editorial board.

Congressman Jay Inslee, from Washington's 1st Congressional District, is being tabbed by the Obama Administration to serve as an undersecretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Tired of playing second banana to Ken Schram on "The Commentators" and tired of having to re-learn the phone call-in numbers for KOMO and then KVI and then KOMO radio again, conservative radio talk jock John Carlson will run against incumbent King County Executive Ron Sims in 2009.

Rep. Tom Campbell, from the 2nd Legislative District, will turn coats once again by switching his party affiliation from the Republican Party back to the Democrats.

House Speaker Frank Chopp is considering passing legislation in Olympia making it illegal for callers to impersonate him on 950 KJR AM's "Groz with Gas" show.

Two-time loser and Harvard economics major Darcy Burner is being tabbed by the Obama Administration to serve as an undersecretary for Housing and Urban Development. 

 
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