Hearst Corporation insiders tell Seattle Weekly that, barring the arrival of an unforeseen buyer, the Seattle P-I will be replaced by Magnum P.I.
"While the P-I served the greater Seattle area admirably for over 140 years, there were a lot of things it didn't do," said one executive, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It wasn't a Navy SEAL. It never had its own helicopter."
He went on to praise Thomas Magnum's investigative prowess, nose for a good story, and hand-to-hand combat skills. Nevertheless, the executive said he has been frustrated by his own inability to procure "a suitable amount--any amount, really" of Coops Beer, Magnum's beverage of choice.
To win over dissenters, a group of Magnum supporters put together an internal pitch that included this video highlighting their candidate's qualifications:
One female executive questioned whether her male colleagues were suffering from a case of Magnum envy. "We haven't even waited the sixty days yet," she complained, referring to the time the Joint Operating Agreement requires Hearst keep the paper on the market before closing it, "and already they're wearing Hawaiian shirts and mustaches and arguing over who's going to ride shotgun in the Ferrari."
She was interrupted by a co-worker, who peremptorily noted that "Thomas Magnum has a large-sized condom named after him."
But a chief Magnum supporter said the decision is simply a matter of dollars and cents. "If eight seasons taught us anything, it's that if you put Thomas Magnum in a position to succeed, he will do just that. In fact, you don't even have to put him in position. He's that good."