With the Stock Market dropping and unemployment numbers rising, Americans are looking for easy ways to make money fast. While everyone is waiting for the


Make Easy Money In The Bush/Obama Recession

With the Stock Market dropping and unemployment numbers rising, Americans are looking for easy ways to make money fast. While everyone is waiting for the wealth to be spread around, you could spend that time getting a part-time job or going back to school.

That is the sucker's play.

We at the Seattle Weekly offer these thirteen can't-miss money-making ideas. For nuthin.

1. Political junkie interventionist: For two years families have been torn asunder as loved ones have devoted all of their time, resources and money on politics. Posting snarky responses berating John Edwards supporters on blogs. Tracking Ralph Nader poll numbers on iPods. Ripping YouTube videos on behalf of Ron Paul. Twittering with minor elected officials. A political junkie interventionist will recognize these symptoms and bring healing to husbands, wives, sons and daughters so they can live healthy, active productive lives. Before the country starts focusing on mid-term elections.

2. Publish a graphic novel: Center the plot around a city of hookers, who are saved from an army of fanatically religious cannibals by a rebel who plays by his own rules. Make sure no one ever reads the book. Describe it as a cult classic. Write screenplay based on the work and pitch it to Hollywood executives. Include a shower scene with Megan Fox in the fifth act.

3. PILF 2012: Sell “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Sarah Palin” paraphernalia and bumper-stickers.

4. Four words: Duran Duran Tribute Band.

5. Solicit campaign contributions: Find a hot button political issue. Opposition to HOV lanes, breaching hydro dams, opposing gay marriage, supporting fur seal harvesting. Find a four letter acronym that hasn’t been used before.



FUMF? Golden.

6. Incite a gold rush: Write a newspaper article describing a ship landing with “a ton of gold” in your hometown. Sell supplies to throngs of miners.

7. Inflate your resume: Took a few classes in economics in college? Call yourself an Econ Major. Visited a foreign country once? Describe how you took sniper fire while rescuing trapped POWs. Tell poignant stories about how you palled around with people you’ve never even met.

Interviewer: It says here you were a lab assistant to George Clinton?

You: I focused mainly on finding the proper salinity in the manufacture of peanut butter.

Interviewer: Don’t you mean George Washington Carver?

You: …

8. Sell carbon credits: Obtain 20 reams heavy stock paper made from wood pulp harvested in Brazil. Convince corporations to buy your freshly printed carbon credit. Assure the CEOs that someday the trees you intend to replant more than offset the harm caused by the chemicals their company is dumping into the environment. Take some of the rest of the money and invest it in companies engaged in alternative energy research such as GE, Exxon Mobil, The BunnyRanch. Buy a jet. Grow a beard.

9. Get hired as the guy who kicks T. Boone Pickens media consultants square in the nuts: $58 million in advertising, spread out over an entire election year, meant to focus America’s attention on energy issues, goes down the crapper after the economy tanks and oil drops below $65 a barrel.

10. Infomercial huckster: Sell devices that can clean grout, peel vegetables and whiten your teeth.

11. Curlin: Bet your lifesavings on the four-year old colt in his next race. To win.

12. Geo Metro: Buy a couple of the popular early-90s sub-compacts. Spend a couple grand restoring them to like-new condition. Drive one to Detroit. Remind American automobile executives, now bragging about their “fuel-saving” hybrids which get 25-35 miles per gallon, that a car they were selling 20-years ago was getting 55 mpg highway.

13. Become an illegal immigrant: Slip into Monterey before a fence is built across America's southern border. Pick fruits and vegetables, while performing menial jobs that no Mexican worker wants to do. Buy a Camaro with a James Dobson rear window decal. Wire money to family back home.

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