Black-Eyed Holograms & Fuck-You States

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The scene at the Elephant & Castle beneath the 5th Ave. Red Lion was tense...until about 6:45, when it became apparent that Barack Obama would

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Black-Eyed Holograms & Fuck-You States

  • Black-Eyed Holograms & Fuck-You States

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    The scene at the Elephant & Castle beneath the 5th Ave. Red Lion was tense...until about 6:45, when it became apparent that Barack Obama would become the next President of the United States. It took another hour for CNN to call the race, which allowed time for the most unfortunate event in political history: the will.i.am hologram.

    In this hologram, will.i.am, who sold his once-sterling band's soul to Clive Davis the moment he hired Fergie to wet her pants onstage, essentially takes credit for the Obama victory. Subsequently, there was question among E&C faithful as to whether Oprah Winfrey's presence among the pleebs in the Chicago victory speech crowd was a hologram as well. Was Oprah really backstage, taking bong rips with Willie Nelson and Dickie Betts? Because of the newfangled Trekkie technology, we'll never be certain again.

    The Weekly's party at Spitfire was packed, as was just about everybody's party everywhere. Horns were getting the fuck honked out of them, and it was morning in Kenya, where goats were receiving their celebratory slaughter. But did you know Dave Matthews was ringing shit in with rabbit ears at the Two Bells? I know, because I was there -- late night.

    For me, the election isn't over -- because we still can't say for certain who won North Carolina and my former home state of Missouri. These are what would qualify as fuck-you states, alongside Indiana and Virginia (and arguably New Mexico and Nevada). Obama ran a true 50-state campaign (an idea originated by Howard Dean, who's received about zero credit for re-birthing the concept), and to wholly validate such an effort, fuck-you states need to turn blue. In other words, I'm still locked in, temporarily staving off the seasonal affective disorder that's sure to follow us all into winter.

     
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