Avast you land lubbers, wenches and loblolly boys, it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Whether yer coursing the briny sea, holed up in port or consigned to Davy Jones Locker, Sept. 19 be yer shot ta channel the inner-buccaneer residin’ in yer damned black soul.
Since we be in the midst o’ selectin’ some new Cap’n’s ta lead this nation o’ seadogs, as a courtesy ta Seattle Weekly readers, the palaver of politicians has been translated fer t’ pirate’s ears.
Cast yer eyes below…“On t' subject o' Osama bin Laden... we will track the lubber down. We will capture him. We will brin' him t' justice, and I will follow him t' t' gates o' hell.” – Long John McCain
“It be not surprisin', then, they get bitter, they clin' t' guns or religion or antipathy t' people who not be like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way t' explain their frustrations.” – Bluebeard Obama
“It was starboardly noted in Denver this fortnight that Hillary left 18 million cracks in t' highest, hardest glass ceilin' in America. But it turns out t' wenches o' America ain't finished yet, and we can shiver that glass ceilin' once and for all.” – Swashy Palin
“When you first hear t' idea "let's allow offshore drillin' and it will cut gas prices," it sounds like it makes sense... But t' facts say otherwise. T' only way we can achieve energy and climate security in this country be t' reduce our dependence on oil.” – Cap'n Joe Biden
“I think that I have a lifetime o' experience before the mast that I will brin' t' t' White House. I know Senator McCain has a lifetime o' experience t' t' White House. And Senator Obama spoke mighty fair in 2002.” – Razor Tongue Clinton
“America must not ignore t' threat gatherin' against us. Facin' clear evidence o' peril, we cannot wait for t' final proof, t' smokin' gun that could come in t' form o' a mushroom cloud." – Simple George Bush
“T' first step t' solvin' this deficit be actually acknowledgin' that thar be a problem and admittin' that t' deficit be real. T' incumbent has shown a complete unwillin'ness t' do so. This deficit be a bear that has been sittin' on t' fore porch o' state government for more than a year. Every three months t' governor looks out t' window and t' bear be bigger but then she tells us not t' worry everythin' be fine. Meanwhile, she keeps feedin' it and makin' it bigger.” – Jolly Dino Rossi
“When I was elected, t' state had t' highest number of lay-abouts in t' country. There were 46,000 o' our sprogs in danger o' losin' their sawbones coverage. Washin'ton had a $2.2 billion deficit and did not save for the gales o’ winter.” – Queen Christine
“Traffic clogs our roads for too many hours each day, harmin' t' businesses that drive our local econome. T' projects in this proposed plan be exactly what be needed t' enaye that they will thrive in future years.” – Redlegs Dunn
“T' American people want a government that be neither hostage t' corporate interests, nor eager for t’ clashing o’ cutlasses. By puttin’ our backs into it, we can prevail." – Rumkeg McDermott
Change and Hope have become t' catch phrases o' this election, and cynics have called them hokey or idealistic. But I be proud t' believe in t' courage and perseverance that we have demonstrated as a nation durin' difficult times. Times that call for, aye I’ll say it … change." – Gunpowder Darcy Burner