Signs We're Officially Now in a Recession

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Congress has failed to reach agreement on the proposed $700 billion bailout of banks with bad subprime mortgage loans on their books. The markets are tanking. Our retirement savings are doomed. The election is weeks away. Local real estate values are dropping in what looks to be a severe bubble deflation. WaMu has failed and will likely lay off hundreds if not thousands of Seattle-area workers. Prop. 1 will likely fail and Tim Eyman's I-985 likely pass. In an economically distressed autumn, with anti-tax sentiment rising, Dino Rossi could well knock Chris Gregoire out of the governor's mansion.

Folks, we're officially in a recession. And here are some other key indicators/harbingers of the hard times ahead:

• Sarah Palin now ideal leader for nation that replaces currency with caribou hides and moose antlers as units of barter

• Related: John McCain continues to dispense sage advice from cave, since he remembers the last Stone Age. (Also: Obama flees to Kenya, citing its higher standard of living)

• Viaduct-versus-tunnel debate now rendered moot, since there will be plenty of room for commuters, faced with $100 gallon gas, to walk to work on the elevated roadway

• Prius mileage that much better when towed by donkeys; yet Hummers harnessed to dog-teams are surprisingly cost effective

• Gregoire and legislators barricade themselves inside Olympia capital building, burn state constitution for warmth and to deter angry, marauding voters

• Empty WaMu headquarters to become anarchist squatter enclave for unemployed former bankers, Sonics, and Mariners

• City council divides up Seattle into rival warring feudal mini-states, leaving Mayor Nickels in control of downtown Subway franchises

• Related: Russia invades defenseless Fremont to protect Lenin statue, eventually annexing all territory north of Ship Canal

• Without electricity, useless Microsoft Vista discs are worn as amulets to ward off evil forest spirits (popularly referred to as SQL, Java, and Google in native folklore)

Mad Max-style chaos engulfs a region ruled by violence, fear, and the leader of Mukilteo brigands known only as Lord Eymungus

• Feral children roam the post-apocalyptic wasteland once known as Seattle, waiting for their champion: a solitary nomad known only as the Road Warrior…

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