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Sometimes the hyper-aggressive style of Steve Ballmer's Microsoft is just so balls-out crazy that you kind of admire the software titan. If you're gonna be

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Page Up? Pay Up

page_up.jpg

Sometimes the hyper-aggressive style of Steve Ballmer's Microsoft is just so balls-out crazy that you kind of admire the software titan. If you're gonna be a keyboard bully, go all in. Thus, according to a blog report here, the company has filed for and received U.S. Patent #7,415,666 to claim control of your Page Up and Page Down keys.

We are not making this up. Here's the link to the U.S. Patent Office and its description of "Method and system for navigating paginated content in page-based increments." This verbosity, by the way, illustrates perfectly what's wrong with the convoluted, bloatastic nature of Vista and Microsoft products generally: Why not just call it "Page Up and Down Keys," which we could all understand?

Soon to follow, no doubt, Microsoft will file a patent for improper usage of the keyboard. Thus, every time I type "teh" instead of "the," the company will charge me a penny for fixing the typo in Word. Also, your mouse travel will be metered and charged for every millimeter of travel on the desk; use of the space bar will be a premium feature only available to corporate clients; the arrow keys will only be unlocked for users of Internet Explorer (not Firefox or Google Chrome users--no arrows for you!); and touching any of the function keys will give the user any number of small, random electric shocks in varying voltages--just to remind you who controls the keyboard. (Warning: those with a heart condition should not attempt to use F11, F4, or F2; epileptics should avoid F3 and F8; pregnant women should not use F10 and F5.)

Oh, and one more thing Microsoft? You can keep your stinking Scroll Lock key, because I have never been able to figure out what that thing does.

 
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