By Imperial Eyman Decree

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Photo: KOMO/AP

Have you heard? Tim Eyman's allegedly traffic reducing Initiative 985 is guaranteed to pass this November 4. How do we know? Because Eyman is already issuing directives to WSDOT. In an email sent earlier this month and also addressed to Governor Chris Gregoire, he demanded:

"There's simply no excuse for you and the Washington State Department of Transportation to fail to prepare for I-985's new policies and priorities. You better prepare for that. Signs need to be changed and shoulders prepared for this immediate, cost-effective reform."

He's talking about the carpool lanes that I-985 would open to all modes of traffic during the non-rush hour portions of the day (remind me again when those are...). Because, obviously, if you want to reduce congestion, people should be encouraged to put more single-occupancy vehicles on the road.

But Eyman's logic, and imperial fiats, don't end there. Among his other edicts to the state are:

• Red-light cam revenue to fund new Mukilteo castle headquarters for ReduceCongestion.org

• State Auditor Brian Sonntag shall henceforth be required to wear pointy jester’s cap, sing amusing songs, dance foolish jigs to keep castle occupants amused

• Newly synchronized traffic lights will allow imperial Eyman chariot (actually Hummer H2) to precede unimpeded through streets showered with rose petals, lined with grateful, cheering taxpayers

• New corps of emergency roadside assistance crews shall be uniformed in the finest linens and furs, with gilt epaulets, to serve stranded motorists and shoo away filthy peasants who dare approach those private vehicles

• All state transportation bureaucrats shall be redeployed and harnessed to pull human-powered omnibuses within the Prison City of Seattle, where lepers, sexual deviants, and other non-car owners shall be forcibly confined

• Tolls for SR 520 rebuild may NOT be collected on I-90 bridge, but may be assessed on bus riders, cyclists, scooters, slow-moving senior citizens, ferry riders, and annoying daycare kiddie groups clogging the sidewalks

• Related: Pedestrian crosswalk signals will be limited to ten seconds, but walkers may add dollar-per-second increments at convenient payment kiosks (revenues go to freeway paving projects)

• Because our personal liberties shall not be infringed, only one motorist will be allowed per vehicle. Related: Only one person will be allowed in an elevator at a time. Only single-family zoning will be permitted, with a minimum of two street-facing garage bays per household

• Only licensed drivers will be permitted to vote and hold citizenship

• Citizens may park on sidewalks and neighboring non-citizens’ lawns as desired. Because America is a free country

 
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