Much has been made of the difficulties encountered by military recruiters in convincing enough qualified recruits to join the U.S. Army. It is one of


Wanted: A few good hippies


Much has been made of the difficulties encountered by military recruiters in convincing enough qualified recruits to join the U.S. Army. It is one of the 33 Standard Articles of Faith evinced by the "Progressive" political movement.

Although the documentation detailing the Evil Bush Regime’s failure in gulling poor, uneducated minions to kill all the brown people in the Middle East has been legion. What has gone unnoticed is the struggle of the peace-loving anti-war movement in attracting enough high-minded idealists to protest the Endless Iraq War.

Last weekend, the Port Militarization Resistance only mustered fifty people in its effort to shut down the Port of Tacoma and stop military equipment of the 4th Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division “Stryker” Brigade Combat Team from being shipped back to Fort Lewis from Iraq.

In 2007 over 200 peaceful anti-war activists clashed with the Tacoma Police Department.

Adding insult to the operation, only 14 protestors were arrested last week compared to 37 and over 60 during last year's two protests.

Clearly more needs to be done in order to attract recruits to the anti-war movement. Because it is getting tedious watching the same aging hippies and Evergreen College students getting teargassed in choppy, heavily-edited YouTube videos.

As a public service, we at the Seattle Weekly offer you this questionnaire.

Do you think the Bush Administration purposefully brought down the Twin Towers in order to lead the United States into a war of aggression solely to enrich Halliburton and Exxon Mobil?

Have you ever committed to wearing orange to express solidarity with Gitmo Prisoners and enemy combatants held in Abu Ghraib; along with the Ukrainian Revolution, Ulster Protestants, Aquaman, Hollywood celebrities and the Orange Fanta Girl?

Do you like to put all kinds of weird, metal shit in your face in order to show how unique, original and eclectic you are?

Is “The Stranger” the first place you go to in order to obtain clear, reasoned articles about local and national news?

Do you have two to nine years of a liberal arts education from a state university or community college; preferably 15-20 credits short of graduation?

Is bathing a form of patriarchal oppression imposed by the bourgeois to keep the masses enslaved in a web of consumerism, capitalism and deceit?

Are there eight or more bumper stickers on the back of your Volvo?

Can you go completely limp while being shoved to the pavement, put into handcuffs and led away to the backseat of a police car?

Do you have the ability to – with a straight face – call soldiers murderers, morons and douche bags while at the same time claiming to “support the troops but not the war”?

Can you recite clever protest chants like “Not our war, not our choice”, “Bush Lied, People Died”, “Hey-hey, ho-ho, this illegal war has got to end” and “Fuck you, pigs! We’re fucking protesting peacefully. Fuck! Tear gas. FUCK!!! My eyes… Arrrghhh!!!”?

If so, a career as a professional protestor awaits you now.

Anti-military recruiters can be found in most independent book stores, operating espresso machines in Fremont or working as tenured faculty on most college campuses.

Join the movement! Stop Bush, Cheney, Hitler, Rumsfeld, BlackWater and John McSame.

Now… Lemme see your anti-war face!!!

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