Image: Daniel Day-Lewis in Paramount Vantages' There Will Be Blood

Our multi-talented system administrator, Paul Jensen, crafted this tech memo not long ago.

(For the backstory, read this.)


Juno (Ellen Page) breaks the news to her dad (JK Simmons)

Juno: Dad...I'm pregnant.

Dad: Pregnant? How?

Juno: Well, between talking on a hamburger phone to my cheerleader best friend, making arch pop culture references to punk bands that existed before I was born and listening to obscure K Records songs, I had sex with Paulie Bleeker.

Dad: Paulie Bleeker? Really? You couldn't have gone for that McLovin guy?

Juno: That was Superbad, dad.

Dad: Right. Sorry. So...what are you going to do?

Juno: I don't know - but whatever I do I'm sure I'll do it with a quirky style, a killer soundtrack and an unbelievable vocabulary for a high school student. Oh...and somehow you won't get mad at me for getting knocked up.

Dad: Knocked Up. Now there was a good movie...


Chigurh (Javier Bardem) and Moss (Josh Brolin) talk on the phone

Chigurh: You know who this is.

Moss: Who?


Chigurh: You know who.

Moss: Yeah, I know who.

Chigurh: You do? Who?

Moss: You're that guy with the Prince Valiant haircut and the cattle gun who keeps killing random people, right?

Chigurh: Yes.


Chigurh: What?

Moss: Have you considered a different hairstyle?

Chigurh: You don't like?

Moss: You kind of look like the little girl from Atonement. In slacks.

(long silence)

Chigurh: This isn't going to end well for you...friend-o.


Cecilia (Keira Knightley) reads a letter from Robbie (James McAvoy) as romantic music swells...

Robbie (voiceover):

Dearest Cecilia. The story can resume. The one I had been planning that Server Reboot Thursday so long ago. I can become again the man who once crossed the park at dusk, in my best suit, swaggering on the promise of life. The man who, with clarity and passion, can ask you to close all your programs before leaving the office tonight. I will return. Find you, love you, marry you and update your vital office software.

Love, Robbie.

PS: For the love of God, don't make Pirates of the Caribbean 4.


Michael (George Clooney) talks to the senior litigating partner of his law firm, Arthur (Tom Wilkinson) about his slide into madness

Michael: Listen to me, Arthur. You're the senior litigating partner of this most-respected law firm. You're a legend. And you're sliding into madness. Do you hear me, Arthur? Madness!

Arthur: I am an accomplice! I am Shiva, the God of death! I am Thor, God of Thunder! I am the Lizard King! I can do anything! I am that guy from The Full Monty! And I'm going to rave and chew scenery until I get my damn Oscar! Eat that, Clooney!

(Arthur strips off his clothes - "You Can Leave Your Hat On" plays in the background)

Michael (picks up cell phone and dials): I wonder if that Facts of Life reunion show is still in the works...


Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) agrees to drill oil for Eli (Paul Dano) if Eli renounces his faith

Eli: I am a false prophet! I am a false prophet! Is that alright?

Plainview: That's fine - but I already drained that land of all its oil.

Eli: How?

Plainview: Drainage, Eli! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake, then I drink your milkshake! I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP! (Makes slurping sounds) Mmmmm. That's a damn good milkshake, Eli! Best milkshake ever! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're, like, "it's better than yours."

Eli: Damn right it's better than yours.

Plainview: I could teach you - but I would have to charge.

(Plainview and Eli dance as the credits roll.)

Reboots start at 8 p.m.

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