(Image: (c) Matt Groening/Fox)  

First it was Hague , then McIver , and now Velázquez . As a result, local politicians are in a


Messages in a Bottle

DUI-plagued political establishment goes on the wagon!


(Image: (c) Matt Groening/Fox) 

First it was Hague, then McIver, and now Velázquez. As a result, local politicians are in a panic about anything fermented, frothy, served with an olive, or otherwise associated with possible drunken misbehavior. With elections just around the corner, and strong new public scrutiny of once-private imbibing, our officials aren’t taking any chances with their liquor. Here’s a rundown of the precautionary measures being erected between them and the front page.

Councilmember Peter Steinbrueck recently announced he was dumping the entire contents of his expensive wine cellar. “Sure, that ’99 Chateau Haut-Corbin was going to put my kids through college,” he said at a press release. “But I can’t take the chance; one slurred sentence is all that stands between me and the mayor’s office in 2009.”

Not to be outdone, fellow councilmember Sally Clark has declared she would forgo all premium microbrews in favor of O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. “Sure it tastes like lukewarm horse piss,” she said. “Not that I’m denigrating those who enjoy the urine of horses or any other animals lawfully allowed within city limits.”

Identifying the inherent hazard in driving between after-work functions and fundraisers where spirits are served, Jean Godden is parking her car and now commuting exclusively by kayak, she says. “I’m doing my part to relieve congestion on the streets. That, plus a bottle of rum is much more flavorful in the salt air.”

Dave Della said simply, “I’ve never had a drink in my life. Maybe that’s why no one will talk to me at parties.”

When asked about his new alcohol policies, Tom Rasmussen replied succinctly, “I’ll just avoid having drinks with Aimee Curl.”

Nick Licata was stunned and had no comment when told by a reporter that there were other beverages besides tap water and warm milk.

Acting swiftly by mayoral decree, Greg Nickels has declared his home neighborhood of West Seattle to be dry, effective immediately. “The temptation of cheap half-racks of PBR at the corner 7-Eleven is simply too great,” he stated while signing the new city ordinance.

At the state level, Governor Chris Gregoire expects little opposition in the legislature for her new “adult-proof lid” container law, which will make it impossible for an elected official to open a bottle or can without a pair of bolt cutters or a court order.

Back in D.C., Senator Patty Murray announced a bill that would end all tax breaks and crop subsidies to Washington State’s $2.4 billion wine industry. Vineyards will be sprayed with Agent Orange, she explained, to eradicate the fun-causing, career-threatening grapes. As for a safe and sober replacement crop, said Murray, “I’m told there is a hearty native North American species that can be used for biodiesel, shoe soles, clothing, and rope. My aides are very enthusiastic about it.”

Congressman Jim McDermott could not be reached for comment, since he was traveling in the Loire River Valley on a wine-tasting junket with Bono.

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