Why MollyWatr, a “Hydration” Beverage for EDM Kids, Has Me Conflicted

Well, I guess at least one person read my “35-50 percent water, 50 percent party” scree.

A savvy entrepreneur by the name of Ken Unaeze decided that indeed, the synthetically stoked MDMA-addled youths of the EDM world should make sure to drink water.

You know. So they don’t die.

So, Unaeze did the obvious thing and decided to rebrand water for our day-glo generation. He’s calling it, “Mollywatr.” It’s like bottled water, but it has the word “Molly” on it, as well as a picture of a woo-girl in mid “woo.” This is different than regular bottled water, which usually just has pictures of idyllic mountain springs on it.

The idea is, nobody at a rave will take you seriously if the bottle you are holding has a mountain spring on it. Perhaps that would fly at the Dave Matthews Band Caravan, but at an EDM fest, the only snow capped-peak in your hand better be the Rocky Mountain refreshment of a Coors. As the LA Times reports, Unaeze wanted:

“...[S]omething that would look as cool as holding a Bud Light, due to what he calls a ‘stigmatization of water consumption.’”

In order to promote the drink, Unaeze is inviting people to film themselves twerking for Mollywatr. The wonderful attached photo of a gross-hairy-dude-hand with a gold watch putting a Mollywatr sticker on a lady’s décolletage is supposed to simulate the totally cool stuff that happens when you drink Unaeze’s concoction.

IF YOU DRINK THIS DRINK WITH YOUR MDMA, NOT ONLY WILL YOU NOT DIE, YOU’LL GET TO HAVE A GOLD WATCH AND TOUCH DÉCOLLETAGES. IT’s LIKE BUD LIGHT AND MDMA, BUT WITHOUT THE DYING, AND MORE OF THE GROPING.

In spirit, I support Unaeze’s sentiment to get water to the Party People. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, drinking water is so awesome. It is seriously one of the best things. Water has been as trendy, if not trendier than Skrillex since the dawn of life in the universe. Many people speculate that Skrillex was inspired to implement the bass drop in his music in an attempt to replicate the Big Bang—arguably the first “wub” in the cosmos, and the event that singlehandedly led to the creation of water and Spirit Hoods. So when your friends swat you with a glo-stick for drinking water instead of watery beer, just present them with the simple astrophysics of the situation. Also, tell them how dumb they are. Don’t forget to do that.

While water is great, especially when you are on hyperthermia inducing happy pills, Mollywatr isn’t so great. First off, décolletage groping isn’t okay. Eww, hairy-handed-gold-watch man. If ladies have to submit to your grubby paws in order to get at some agua, no wonder they would rather drink Bud Light.

Secondly, bottled water really sucks. It takes three liters of water to make one liter of bottled water. Bottled water is the biggest scam in the universe. It takes millions of barrels of oil to make the bottles for water, which all get tossed in the ocean eventually. While Trash Island™ would definitely be a sweet name for a rave, in reality, it’s just what happens when people inevitably don’t recycle all their crappy bottled water. Ravers definitely could use more water, but the world definitely doesn’t need anymore bottled water.

Also, Mollywatr cost five dollars. Regular water is free. With the five dollars you save, you could purchase things that are way more awesome such as this Japanese import first edition holographic Porygon Pokémon card, or a used copy of Ke$ha’s first album with free shipping. The choice is obvious.

My solution to this whole thing is twofold. First off, the people running EDM festivals and raves should make access to free water a priority. They do that pretty much everywhere else, why not do that in a really warm room full of people dancing?

Secondly, for those who are worried about “water stigmatization,” I suggest purchasing one of these. That way you won’t have to contribute to Trash Island, submit to the ridicule of your water-bashing friends, get groped by Mr. Hairyhands, or die!

Rave-on, water spirits.

 
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