In June, Seattle’s Liam Mason Elliot turned eight years old. Even in his short time on this earth, he’s learned a few things – chief among them, the fact that much of Seattle hates him.
This isn’t the first time Elliot has been featured in Seattle Weekly. In February, after the Seattle Times’ Gene Balk wrote a column about how Seattleites like cats more than kids, we reached Elliot via his LeapFrog cell phone to get his thoughts. With the sound the Fresh Beat Band in the background, Elliot voiced his frustration, telling Seattle Weekly: “Cats? Really? Fucking cats? That’s a tough pill to swallow.”
Elliot reacted with equal disgust this morning when reading Balk’s latest anti-kid blog post, in which the Times’ news librarian lists Seattle’s “most kid-free neighborhoods,” using a recent Reddit inquiry from a couple new to Seattle as impetus.
“We love our nieces and nephews, but call us terrible people: we don’t have kids and really would prefer to not have a lot of kids around when we are trying to relax at home,” the Reddit inquiry begins. “What’s a good area/apartment building that doesn’t have a lot of kids around?”
As Balk goes on to write: “Redditors were quick to let this couple know that they’re relocating to the right place. The top-rated reply suggested that any area of the city would do: ‘Children aren’t illegal per se in Seattle, but having them is generally discouraged.’”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” says a bewildered Elliot, setting down his crayons and getting serious. “Where do they find these people? I mean, really. After these new Seattleites drink their third glass of snobby wine, is having a kid or two in the same building really going to prevent them from enjoying Downton Abbey? That’s preposterous. These people are obviously terrible, and given the chance I’d spill yogurt all over their khakis.
“I’m starting to hate this city, I really am,” young Elliot continues. “At first it didn’t really bug me. I brushed it off, you know. Like Dora the Explorer, I’ve got tough skin. But now that I’ve been following Balk’s work it’s really starting to hit home just how much Seattleites despise me. I mean, sure, I see the pissy looks at the farmers market. I feel the cold shoulders at the coffee shop. But Balk really drives it home.
“Fuck this place,” Elliot blurts out after a moment of annoyed silence.
For those that are interested, Balk finds that Belltown is Seattle’s least child-infested ‘hood, followed by Downtown, Lower Queen Anne and the University District.
Consider Elliot uninterested, however.
“You know what, I’m just going to keep being me,” the eight-year-old says after collecting himself.
“Haters gonna hate. I can’t let that get me down.”