Getting Over by Getting Down

Dear Dategirl,

Is it wrong to "use" someone to get over the person who broke my heart? I was married for five years when I found out my husband had a girlfriend (who was carrying his kid—nice). I always knew that one of his close friends had a crush on me. When we split up, this friend called and offered to take me out for drinks. The night started off friendly and ended in his bed. It wasn't great sex, but it was fun enough. Especially after such a huge blow to my ego. There's no way this is going to last long-term. He's too short, and, frankly, a little too puppy-doggish over me.

I feel a little guilty, letting him buy me dinner and then take me to bed, because the thing I like best about him is how much it would bother my ex if he were to find out. Because while they were genuine friends, my ex always felt a bit inadequate since the friend is financially successful and my ex is not. It's also nice to go out with someone who can take me to places like Canlis without complaining about the cost. But I also know this isn't going anywhere. Do I have to break up with him? Or can I keep hanging out with him for a little while longer? He's nice, but I'm not in love and I'm not ever going to be.

—A Little Bit Guilty

What you are doing here is perpetuating the Circle of Shit. Your husband treated you like crap, so you're leading on his friend, hoping that the ensuing blow-up will splatter your ex with fecal fallout. However, the reality of the situation is that the guy wooing you now is also going to wind up covered in it. After all, he'll not only lose his new crush, he'll lose his old friend. So then he, embittered about having his heart dicked around with, will treat the next woman like ass. And so on.

That said, you don't have to break up with him. You should tell him the truth, though, albeit with a side of kindness. Tell him that while you genuinely enjoy your time together, you don't see it being a forever thing. Maybe that won't be a problem for him. After all, he's getting hot(ish) sex from someone he's been eyeing for a while.

Speaking of which, this guy isn't so nice, so I'd be careful. He may seem devoted and puppy-doggish, but this is a dude who waited out his friend's marriage and then moved in on the ex before the ink on the divorce decree was dry. My close friends' exes? They may as well be neutered mole rats, because I am never, ever going to sex them up. A man (or woman) who'd do that is showing you that they are not remotely trustworthy—and didn't you just go through a round of deceit? Why sign up for more? Even if it does buy you fancy seafood and give you mediocre sex. I'd say sayonara to the whole sordid circle, but that's just me.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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