My husband is a professor, and as such is consistently surrounded by beautiful young girls. This never bothered me until he had an affair with a former student. I believe she was around 22 at the time (he was just 40). It blew up after she revealed their affair to me, fully expecting that he would leave me and our four children. After many tears and much therapy, we rebuilt our marriage, and have been fairly happy for the past few years.
One of the conditions for our reconciliation was that I have access to his phone and e-mail accounts. In the beginning I checked obsessively, but these days, rarely. Fast forward to last week, when he began getting gruff with me and the kids, suddenly going to the gym, and actually buying new clothes for himself! He never shops. I checked his computer and noticed a lot of back-and-forth with one particular freshman. While there was nothing explicit, their exchanges were extremely flirty. I printed them out and confronted him with my "evidence." I did not accuse him of having an affair with this teenager, but calmly told him that his boundaries left a lot to be desired, and that he needed to end this immediately.
His response was to blow up, accuse me of "snooping," and call me a jealous old cow. This was actually worse than the affair, because back then at least he was repentant. This time he's actually furious with me. I'm deeply hurt and still love him (I think), but this is humiliating. I don't see any way around this other than divorce. Two of our children overheard us arguing and are appalled—which is also apparently my fault. I'm financially solvent on my own and am the sole owner of our home, so money isn't an issue, thank goodness. Any ideas?
—Disgusted Future Divorcee
My idea is that perhaps Professor Poontang might not have gotten around to actually having an affair (though who knows?), but is angry that he got busted laying the groundwork. At least last time, he actually got laid outta the deal.
Before I spent time in academia, I'd been under the impression that musicians were the least faithful partners you could pick, but professors have them beat by a mile. Easy access to hundreds of adoring girls with daddy issues. Gross.
Last time it was a 22-year-old, but aren't freshmen 17 or 18? How old are your kids? "Don't bring your girlfriends around, you know how Daddy gets!" Are those words you'll ever feel comfortable saying? Yuck.
And what of his job? Doesn't his school have rules against teachers porking students? I don't see how you're going to be able to dredge up any respect for a grown-ass adult willing to risk his marriage and job for teen tail. My lip is curled and I don't even know the guy.
I'm betting that once he figures out his offense-defense hasn't worked, he'll try another tack. Maybe he'll grovel. Maybe he'll even mean it this time. Regardless, you need to figure out if you're willing to live with someone who values his hard-on over your heart.