All I Want for Xmas Is a Roll in the Manger

Dear Dategirl,

My boyfriend of almost one year is fucking amazing. He's affectionate, sensitive, manly, emotionally present, vulnerable, and wonderful with my kid.

Sex is also amazing. When we have it. Which is not nearly as often as I need it. He's 38, I'm 28. In the beginning, it happened more often, and at the time we were living separately and working totally different schedules. Since we moved in together, sex has dropped drastically, and I busted this glorious (sarcasm alert) man "sexting" with other women. This has apparently been going on the whole time we've been together.

He's since stopped and gotten an awesome new therapist. The man has some issues.

I've been overly vocal and communicative about needing more sex for the past six months. So much that at this point, I'm a big, fat turnoff. Side note: I'm an attractive lady.

He has a list of reasons why his libido is practically nonexistent, but Jesus Christ, I need him to fuck me more often or it's going to destroy us. Fuck the issues, just fuck me!

I'm also in therapy and have been for several years. Should I just overcome our sexual issues and initiate it more often? It's reached this point of seriousness that looks like there's no going back and making it fun and simple. Sex feels good and it's fun. Why is it such a big fucking deal?

—Frustrated

Hard truth ahead: Your boyfriend's libido seems to be working quite well with other women. He just doesn't seem to have any interest in the home team.

Obviously sex isn't the be-all/end-all in a relationship, and plenty of people have satisfying love lives despite dealing with physical limitations that render them unable to enjoy traditional coupling methods. But you don't mention any physical roadblocks. While it's swell that he's working with a therapist on his "issues" (since when is being a withholding leg-humper an issue?), you guys haven't even been together a year. You're still in the honeymoon phase. Now imagine yourself five years down the line. Unless he has some medical problem he's resolving, it's probably not going to get much better than it is right now. In fact, frequency usually declines with time. So says the lady who's been with the same guy for eight years.

It's a cruel twist of fate that women tend to get randier when they feel secure and happy in a relationship, while men are hornier when they're running around out in the wild, but couples can usually work this out through compromise, masturbation, and yelling at each other. However, his untrustworthiness adds a whole other kink to your tale. It shouldn't be this hard (heh) this soon.

Instead of waiting for this shrink to work some kind of magic on his gonads, you need to figure out whether you can deal with your sex life the way it is right now for the rest of your life before you commit to hanging out with this guy for much longer. Because waiting for a dude to change is a loser's game. What if he doesn't? Because he probably won't. You haven't even reached your sexual peak yet, and you're clawing the walls. Think how you'll feel in two years, or even two months.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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