Cuckolded or Koo-Koo?

Dear Dategirl,

My partner has had some inappropriate interactions with members of the opposite sex. I've discovered the indiscretions on our computer and on my partner's phone.

Haven't you suggested cheaters give their partner access to their online life? How does that work? My significant other clearly tried to cover their tracks and delete their history. How can one really keep tabs of someone online? Shall I ask for the phone anytime I want? Should all accounts remain open on our computer? How should I respond when the e-mail junk/spam folder is full of hookup sites? I know spam is targeted, so I don't get dating-site junk mail. They do.

I can imagine that they're opening new accounts every day. How does complete transparency help me verify the truth? I feel like I'm about to fall down the rabbit hole.

—Just Paranoid

Before you do anything else, forget trying to read anything into the contents of your partner's spam folder. I get stuff from "lonely, horny wives" (straight lady here), institutions wishing to "help" me avoid foreclosure (I'm a renter), and offers for spendy watches (as if). That's along with offers to grow my penis (hmm) and lower my auto-insurance rate (no car, barely a license). So just don't even go down that road—or risk believing he's a heavily mortgaged cheater looking to expand his penis until a suspiciously inexpensive Rolex can wrap snugly around it.

I know all too well that it sucks to be cheated on, but the wording of your note rings warning bells. "Inappropriate interactions," for one thing. What exactly are you talking about? (Don't worry, I know you can't answer.) Was it a dopey e-mail to an ex or a slightly flirty note to a co-worker? Or was it an actual plan of action involving another human? There is a huge difference, though you do mention that they did their best to cover their tracks, which is suspicious.

However. I know a guy whose wife constantly accuses him of cheating—to the point that she barges into the bathroom, certain that instead of taking a dump, he's texting his side action. I am absolutely 100 percent certain he isn't stepping out on her, because frankly, all his friends have encouraged him to divorce her ass and he just won't. He loves her and isn't interested in anyone else. Meanwhile she listens in on his phone calls, hacks into his e-mail, and locks him out of the house if he's 10 minutes late coming home from work. Does any of this sound familiar?

Because if it does, you may just be nutty. Are you absolutely certain something is going on? Has this person copped to it? Because the only way transparency rebuilds trust is if both partners agree to it and the person who did the philandering is repentant and committed to the marriage. Instead of worrying about looking at the cell-phone's records, you should use it to dial a competent couples counselor and figure out if this relationship is something you really want.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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