Should I Marry Someone I Don't Love?

Dear Dategirl,

I'm not in love with the man I'm going to marry. He loves me. He's in love with me. I love him too, but I'm not in love with him. Sex with him does nothing for me. Never has. Don't think I'm even attracted to him sexually anymore.

But he's a great father, partner, provider, everything. I'm just not in love with him. I've tried telling him this, but he keeps fighting to keep us together. We have a 6-year-old, and I think I'm with him only because being a single, working, in-college mom will suck.

I'm only 24. Should I stay and accept non-emotional, very bad sex and keep my family together, or should I leave, struggle like hell, and possibly meet a guy who is awesome and good in bed?

—Loss for Words

You're 24! Half a lifetime ago, you were 12. I don't know why that's important, but it is. You had a baby at 18 and have spent six years with someone you don't love because of that. Did you read last week's column? About the woman who didn't want to leave her husband because she didn't want to get fat? Don't be that lady. Get out.

Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't (you will), but whiling away your hot years with a guy who does nothing for you is a really bad idea. No, really. BAD.

Not only is it bad for you, it's bad for your kid and bad for your boyfriend too. He may not see it that way right now, but stringing someone along when you don't give a shit is unfair. Imagine how happy this dude would be with someone who loved him? If you care about him at all, you'll cut him loose. And what of the bambino? Do you want him or her to grow up and have a series of perfunctory relationships with people they don't like? Because kids tend to mimic what they see, and what your kid is seeing isn't so great.

And then there's you. You're 24! I know, I keep stressing that, but you're so young. Honestly, I feel like nobody should get married until they're 30 anyway, but I realize there are exceptions. Exceptions who are wildly, deeply, madly in love. Which you are not.

There's no reason to think he won't keep on being a good dad if you live separately, but, yes, this will be difficult. Negotiating classes (don't drop out!), work, and child care will be a bitch. But there's no better time than the present, because you're young and presumably full of energy.

Not to hector, but one thing to keep in mind is that after years of fighting for this most basic civil right, our gay friends in three more states finally got the legal right to marry this election, and it's still not a federal law. So if not for me, your boyfriend, your baby, and yourself, skip marrying someone you don't love for the gays' sake. Nobody likes a Britney.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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