Dear Dategirl,
I haven’t had sex in the missionary position for at least a year. That’s not for lack of asking, either. Doggy-style, forward and reverse cowgirl—even sidesaddle, I’ve done them all. But then when I ask for a little missionary action, they either grunt and ignore me or, in one case, tell me that’s boring. Not the way I do it! This always leads to that soul-destroying moment when your face is smashed so hard into a pillow you can’t breathe, and you feel totally degraded. While they have a blast.
—Sick of Acrobatics
Jesus freaking Christ! Are you kidding me? Yet another reason to stick with my boyfriend—not only are single ladies expected to remove every follicle of cooter hair (front and back), now missionary is no more? What kind of crazy world are we living in? If we ever break up, I’m obviously going to die alone, since I’m not ripping my pubes out for any man and the missionary po’ is my favorite.
But since I’ve been banging the same piece for something like eight years, I’m not exactly hep to the latest trends. So I took to the streets to find out if it’s true. My buddy Daphne pointed out that missionary is “pressure, power, positioning, and straightforward fun.” Her thought—which I agree with—is that men have been “watching too much porn and adding excessive shenanigans to the act.” I also blame porn for the jackhammer method that so many of the youngsters employ. Stop the madness!
Even my buddy Lux, who owns the porn site Fleshbot, is fond of the mish. “It’s actually my preferred position,” he says, adding “Oh, hi, I’m lazy.” Amelia, editor of TheFrisky.com (and my ex-editor), agrees that it’s the lazy girl’s go-to. And really, after doing all that hair removal, who has the energy for much more complicated maneuvering?
It’s not just the ladies who love it. Most of the men I spoke with agree it’s a classic. As my radio co-host Mike Edison wrote in I Have Fun Everywhere I Go: “Some things, no matter how many times they have been done—Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, fried chicken, and the missionary position leap to mind—still provide near-universal satisfaction when done right.” Several gentlemen pointed out its value as a “finishing move” after all the gymnastics are dispensed with. One sweetie—whom my friend Marika is lucky enough to have married—says missionary isn’t over at all, “not if you love the person you’re with. It’s all intimate and shit.”
Now I’m certainly not advocating you hold out until you fall in love, but you need to avoid these selfish fuckers. They’re not hard to spot. They’re fond of the one-sided approach to conversation—as in they talk, you listen. Their idea of a girl with a good sense of humor is someone who laughs at their jokes and never tells one of their own. They’re often shitty to service professionals. Jackasses like this don’t deserve to have sex with you—or anyone else, for that matter. So just say no and hold out for a nice guy.
