Beejs and Backsies

Dear Dategirl,

How can I convince my boyfriend to go down on me? He thinks it's gross. In every other way, he's awesome. He is super- squeamish about a lot of things. Like he won't eat calamari. He loves beejs, BTW.

—Unlapped

He's content to let you tongue his peehole and guzzle his salty semen, but won't return the favor? Sigh. My dear, there are battles worth fighting in the bedroom ("Please kiss me differently," "How about a little assplay?", etc.), and then there is this. Sadly, there is no "trick" to get your boyfriend to stop being an uptight jerk and start eating puss. He considers an integral pleasure center on your body "gross." This man does not only not deserve "beejs," he does not deserve you.

Dear Dategirl,

My wife left me over a year ago when I was in the midst of a terrible situation. Both of my parents had died within a few weeks of each other, I'd had a pay cut at work, my dog was hit by a car (she lived, but lost a leg), and I was extremely depressed. I'd also gained some weight, and I admit that I was rather shut-down, emotionally.

She is a beautiful, vibrant person, but also extremely self-centered. I knew this about her—she even knows this about her! And so when the going got tough, she left.

We hadn't spoken in most of that time, but last week we met at a mediation session to finalize our divorce. Her leaving kicked my ass into high gear, so in the interim I've gone vegan, started working out, quit my job for a better one, and even started therapy—something I'd always been reluctant to do. I can say without a doubt that at 38, I look better than I did at 28. She obviously thinks so too now, because she e-mailed me last night asking to meet to see if we could give our marriage another try.

I'm torn. I know she's been seeing someone almost the entire time we've been apart. Either he dumped her or she's having second thoughts because I look so much better. I haven't dated at all, because I'm still in love with her. But it pisses me off that she thinks I'm going to jump back into her arms when she calls.

—Fed Up

You don't just look better, you are better. The last time she saw you, you were a shut-down, sad-sack fattie with a three-legged dog. Now you're lean, handsome, healthy, and happy—who wouldn't want to go out with you?

There's something to be said for sticking it out with someone going through a rough time, but there's also something to be said for taking care of yourself if your partner shows no signs of wanting to improve his or her lot.

You're still in love with her, so go meet her for coffee. Maybe you guys can work things out, maybe you can't. But don't let your pride keep you from finding out.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
comments powered by Disqus