How to Say "You're a Tragic Lay"

Dear Dategirl,

I recently hooked up with a hot guy who's obviously never been told—by any of the hundreds of women he's bedded—that despite some decent moves and a fair-sized penis, he can't make a woman climax. (At least not this woman.) Not only did I not even attempt to fake it, but he didn't notice or seem to care. Yet afterward I found myself telling him what a wonderful job he'd done. Is it better to compliment the guy and build his ego, or should I have said something—or better yet, given him some instruction?

—Total Frustration

I was ready to thank you on behalf of The Women of the Universe for not faking it, but then unfortunately I had to rescind our collective gratitude upon learning you'd reinforced this man's feeble fuckery with your lies and insincere praise. Because when you tell someone who's bad in bed that he's good, that just makes the next woman's job more difficult. Sigh.

Why, woman, why?!? Why did you lie?

Imagine I was a giver of "toothy" beejs. Do you think that some dude—let's pretend it's this dude, but it could be any dude—would pat me on the head and tell me what a great giver of head I was if I'd spent the prior half-hour snapping at his sac? Gnawing his knob? I'm thinking probably not. Because men don't have that stupid polite-at-all-costs gene that so many of us ladies develop.

Granted, this guy didn't actually give you clit-burn, but he still shouldn't be rewarded with kudos for a lackluster job. Especially because he sounds like kind of a jerk. Hopefully you won't be flexing your kegels for this turd anytime soon, but here are some tips for the next time you end up between the sheets with a dud stud.

• Instructions. You don't need to be bossy (unless that's your thing), but gently guiding someone's hand toward the parts you want them to touch can save everyone a lot of aggravation. Simple, easy-to-follow directives like "Softer," "Harder," and "I said my clit, not my tit!" go a long way toward getting the job done.

• Positive reinforcement. When someone does something right, don't just lay there, be enthusiastic! Make some noise! Who doesn't like a round of applause for a job well done? (You don't actually have to clap, but a little moaning goes a long way.)

• Be selfish! If he finishes before you (as is often the case), give him some ideas about what he can do to help you. Gently nudge his hand or mouth down south. Whip out your vibrator and show him how to work it. Whatever you do, don't play sexual martyr and just lay there with blue labia.

• Screen, please. Even if it's just a one-night stand you're looking for, you don't want to sleep with a creep, so before you get naked, look for tells that forecast how he'll be in bed. Doesn't ask you any questions about yourself? Selfish in the sack. Bad tipper? Ditto. Sloppy eater? Probably fun, but messy and unfocused. Gassy? Dutch oven-er. Neatnik? Will get mad if you wind up getting period blood on his sheets. Capisce?

Bad sex shouldn't happen to good people.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
comments powered by Disqus