Dear Dategirl,
Yesterday my girlfriend told me she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that we spend too much time together, and she needed to see her friends, too. She also told me she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, and isn’t sure that she still loves me.
She kept saying she needs more space to have a life apart from me, and I need to give her that. She also says I should go out with my friends more often, but all they do is drink and try to pick up girls. I don’t understand this. We don’t live together and she goes out with her friends a couple times a week!
I came up with a plan to get her back, but I need an outside opinion. I’m gonna give her a few days on her own. Our five-month anniversary is in two weeks, and so I’d already planned to put together an anniversary flash mob.
Her best friend was supposed to help me get my girlfriend to the park, but now she’s saying she won’t help because our relationship is over. So my sister said she will. But now my friends are dropping out, too. My mother thinks I’m being stupid, but I love this girl! How I can make her believe that if she gives me another chance, I’ll give her a lot of space? Do you think my plan is stupid?
—Broken-Hearted
Oh, honey, no.
Really, NO.
I read about flash-mob proposals in The New York Times last weekend, and believe me, if the Old Gray Lady is onto them, they’re already over. Also, while five months doesn’t count as an anniversary anyway, technically you guys only made it to four and a half. I have food in the back of my refrigerator older than that. You don’t see me inviting friends over to do choreographed dance moves for my elderly shrimp chips, do you?
What you need to do is take a good hard look at yourself and how you behave in a relationship. Usually when people write me, they make themselves sound blameless, but your clinginess rings through loud and clear, my friend.
The best relationships happen when both parties are fully formed individuals who regularly venture outside their little love cocoon. They have jobs (or school or both). They have other friendships. They don’t always like the same food, movies, or music. When you’re not constantly up in each other’s business, you always have something to talk about. You get to miss each other, which is far better than getting sick of each other.
I know it’s hard to pull your head out of that other person’s ass when you’re in the first throes of a love thang, but next time, tug harder. Don’t sleep over every night. Don’t pretend you want to see Ruby Sparks when you’re really dying to see the new Dark Knight. Force yourself to have a life that doesn’t always include the person you love.
Forget about your flash mob, and don’t call her either. What you’re envisioning as a quirky show of your love will come across as a creepy, manipulative gesture. It won’t end well, I promise. You guys are over, and you need to salvage what’s left of your pride and move on.
