A Tale of Two Husbands

Dear Dategirl,

Just found out that my husband signed up for ashleymadison.com. He has cheated in the past, but claims this is innocent . . . that he just saw a commercial on ESPN and wanted to see "what kind of people" signed up for the site. I'm not an idiot and do plan on leaving him, but I'm a stay-at-home mom. How do I get started putting my ducks in a row? I plan on staying two more years until all kids are in school full-time.

—Secret Keeper

The first thing I'd do is see a lawyer and start socking money away. Open a savings account in your name only, and save as much as you can without raising any red flags. Get a copy of your credit report and make sure there aren't any surprises. If there are, you have time to get them straightened out. But you know what? I think the fact that you're willing to prolong this farce of a marriage for two years is kind of twisted.

I understand that you may feel like you'll be screwed if you leave this jackass, but does he even know that you know about the stepping-out? If you still love the guy, which you really give no indication of either way, maybe you can work things out with the help of a good therapist. Keeping this knowledge inside, bubbling away like a cauldron of loathing, for two more years seems self-destructive for both you and your kids. Do you really want angry mommy and liar daddy to be their relationship model?

My advice is to either work toward fixing your marriage or end it before it gets any worse. Yes, be smart and watch out for yourself, but two years is too long.

Husband is 42 and was recently "downsized." That same week, his brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Not surprisingly, my DH is having trouble getting and maintaining an erection. He swears this is the first time this has ever happened, and is totally freaked out. He thinks there's something physically wrong, and it's really hurting his ego. How can I help him through this? I'm trying to be as supporting and loving as I can, but I'm so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Do I encourage him to have sex, or let him initiate? Anything else I can say or do?

—Trying to be Sexlessly Supportive

You and I both know that either one of these recent unfortunate events would have been enough to soften his stiffy, and on top of all that I'm betting he's worried that he has some sort of ween cancer, because his brother was just diagnosed. This fear is compounding the stress he's already under, so it's no wonder he's mushy in the pants department. So please, yes, encourage him to see a doctor (and maybe get some little blue pills if everything else checks out OK).

Just give him a little space, sexually speaking, but be affectionate and ready to go at a moment's notice, because that moment will come. And hopefully he will too.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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